Wanderlust

November 22

2008-11-24T00:24:00.003-06:00

With this last breathe of intellectual energy, I think it would be worthwhile to record the simple events of a simply, profoundly, wonderful Saturday.
As has been the habit of the last few weeks, I sleepily look at my clock after the second round of bells attempt to wake me up (post-snooze button.) I argue myself out of my soft, warm bed and into some loose, warm clothing.

I know I will regret it if I don't go.

This is the always the wining thought.
Today I decide it is cold enough to opt for driving the half mile or so to the Kauffman residence.
I arrive just in time for the blessing, as me and the other early-arriver's bow our heads and Isaiah leads us in prayer. Seating myself next to the thrice "retired" Rev. Al Lutz, I am immediately greeted with by Mary Kauffman with a plate piled high with steaming blueberry pancakes and bacon. Orange juice and hot tea garnish the feast, and I am soon joined across the table by Sam, and next to me by Brian. The conversations are always more filling than the pancakes (a hard battle) and today is no exception.
Somewhere in the midst of said conversation I am happily recruited to an after-breakfast leaf-raking party at the Lutz/Schmidt residence.
Warm and full, me and my fellow students gratefully clear the tables and chairs. We blow out the candles and load the dishes, piling the tablecloths in the laundrey room and folding up the extra tables; we know the routine.
Sam, Jared and I climb into the car, picking up Heidi at the corner as well. A quick swap of Heidi for Josh at the apartments, and a changing for me into more a more raking-friendly sweatshirt and wool socks, and we are off to the house.
I have never raked such deep leaves before. In the middle of the woods on top of the mountain, we are soon thigh deep in pools of reds and yellows. With more people than rakes, we scoop the piles onto blue tarps, drag them to the cliff behind the house, and toss the leaves over the ten foot bluff into the woods below.
I have never raked so many leaves before; I have also never finished a raking job so quickly before! The 15 or so of us manage countless tarp-fulls in no time, with Al running the leaf blower and wife Julie demonstrating how to unshell hickory nuts. In keeping with the years, Will and a few others jump off the cliff and into the ocean of leafs below. They dig around unsuccessfully for Sam's hat, apparently lost during the same stunt the previous year.
Somehow I manage to become some kind of mediator between siblings Brian and Kelly as they begin a rake-fight.
Soon we are gathered outside around the bratwursts, cookies, and chips prepared by Aunt Collyn Schmidt, heads bowed once again in grateful awe of our Creator.
Alicia sweetly prepares a London Fog for me, and I help her pass out the rest of the hot drinks around the fire inside the house, as the conversation turns to deep-sea life and Pterodactyls in the Congo.
As everyone slowly trickles out, to pursue other Saturday demands, Alicia invites me to study in the house that afternoon, although she will need to be on campus. I heartily accept the invitation, and escape for an hour or so back to the apartment and campus to change and gather supplies.
The afternoon is spent fruitfully at the feet of the aforementioned fire, with Aunt Collyn napping in her room, or reading her bible in the corner, while I am finally able to relax and focus on my work.
By God's grace I finally feel as though I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing precisly what I am supposed to be doing, and am undaunted for a time by the worries of life as we know it.

Just an Ordinary Day

2008-11-01T22:53:00.002-05:00

On the gravel path that leads down from the main campus to my apartment, a blue mechanical pencil quietly found me walking back. Waiting for me on the edge of the path, it stopped me with a soft-spoken whisper of God's constant and and perfectly-timed provision for me.
"Remember the last time you found a pencil on the ground? You had just run out of all of your other pencils, and were on your way to class. It, too, was unbroken and full of lead.
"Perhaps you hadn't given it much thought, but that pencil is almost out of lead."

--- --- ---

Having hit the wall that night as far as homework was concerned, I headed out of the library. The car was parked in the quasi-secret place under the chapel Max had shown me just a few nights before. I veered toward the side door of the chapel, just on a whim, thinking that I would steal a few minutes alone with God in the sanctuary. Upon approaching the door, I was met with the low, guttural sounds of a kind of melodious nature. Curiosity led me in to find three of my friends practicing on the stage.
James is on the drums, pounding out the beats wearing nothing but shorts and athletic socks. Brian;s tall frame leans over the electric bass, his shaggy blond hair curtaining his face dramatically. But Jonathan steals the show rolling back and fourth on the stage, screaming the words to the song and playing his electric guitar.
Post my initial laughter, and their song dedication to me, I settle myself into a seat in the balcony and accomplish some reading to the soundtrack of their talent.

2008-07-16T01:11:00.002-05:00

Ben Entwistle
1988-2008

I don't like the phrase R.I.P. I already know that Ben is in peace. In complete joy and free of pain and suffering. He is with Jesus and I will see him again. We don't mourn for him, but rejoice for him. We mourn for ourselves at having lost him so soon. But what are the 60 or 70 years that we must walk this life without our brother Ben compared to the eternity that we know we will spend with him?
Death is such a difficult thing. It isn't a part of the created order. It is the ultimate consequence of our sin. And yet, death has no victory, and has lost it's sting, because now Ben is finally fully alive. He is home. That is Christ's victory. That is our victory with Christ. We need feel no sting of despair because we have not lost Ben. We will be united with him again soon.
Ben's death is a rush of stinging ice water to my face; a reminder to me of what it really means that my life is not my own, but belongs to Christ. And the days and hours he has lent me here are to be used boldly for him, not tucked away safe and unused in caution and comfort. Like the servants who were given coins, I must invest mine boldly and use them.
I've been given, in such a bitter-sweet way, a newfound courage and confirmation to go back to Covenant, despite my fears of getting sick and having another patched-up semester like the last few. Ben's father reminds me that there are no "what ifs," and that God is completely in control, and that he is good, and that he really and truly loves us. He is overflowing with grace and love in our lives.

The Earth feels emptier without you in it Ben,
and the sun is shining a little less brightly without your smile to compete with it.
See you soon, brother!

Ethanol and the Fox and the Hound

2008-04-17T20:48:00.003-05:00

This has been a very girly sort of a week for me. And tonight I have continued that tradition by eating Ben & Jerry's Brownie Fudge ice cream straight from the container while watching a classic Disney movie. I haven't seen the Fox and the Hound for years, and now I'm remembering why I used to love this movie.

Except that now I want to cry, since it's the beginning of the movie, and the baby fox's mommy just got killed, and the fox has huge eyes and acts like a sad, skiddish little kitten...

I heard another angle on the ethanol issue at work the other day. Many of our patients are small farmers, or former farmers. The new use of corn-based ethanol has increased the price of corn. Now many farmers cannot afford to buy corn as feed. Other types of feed have also increased in prices. And the outlook is that the prices will just continue to go up.

Another lady, not a farmer, but well educated in world affairs, was saying that, while we will buy less foreign oil with the use of ethanol, we will be importing more corn from overseas. Corn which is a staple food in many other countries, especially third world countries. So it is making it more difficult and expensive for people in the third world to buy food for themselves and their families. And, of course, there is a high chance of underpaying or mistreating workers in foreign countries from whom we export corn.

I'm not saying I'm against the increased use of ethanol, but I think it is important to look at all aspects of the issue.

Ah the complications of life.

Blogosphere, oh blogosphere...

2008-04-16T21:24:00.002-05:00

I'm wondering if anyone actually reads my little blog here.

Perhaps if I actually posted on it more regularly it might stand a better chance...

Or perhaps not.

None the less, I have enjoyed the blogosphere.

So I went to this meeting the other night about starting an invisible children chapter, or have some local involvement in any case, to raise help and awareness about the situation here in Springfield.

For those of you (my many readers) who do not know what i'm talking about, you should make yourself aware. go to invisiblechildren.com and explore. little do many of us comfortable, middle class americans know, but there has been a bloody civil war going on in the country of Uganda for twenty some years, which has destroyed the lives of countless children who are forced into a rebel army as soldiers, girls who are forced to be child wives of rebel leaders, and men, women, and children who were forced out of their homes and into inhumane displacement camps.

so we were talking about the effect that the organization has made on the issue, and in thinking and talking about it, it was actually quite humbling to think about the impact it has had.
for example: last spring, about a year ago, the organization held a national event, localted in 15 major cities across the us, where thousands of people, especially young people (high school-college age) gathered and reflected a shadow of what life is like in a displacement camp by sleeping in cardboard boxes, eating only saltine crackers and water, and other such things.
we also wrote letters to our senators, urging action in ending this war.
so senators across the US all of a sudden had hundreds of letters hand-delivered to them all reading the same message: we have a responsibility to help end this war.
and they did something about it.
they wrote a letter to president bush and condeliza rice.
eventually president bush appointed a delegate to go over and help negotiate peace between Joseph Koney and the Ugandan government.
Peace is slowly, but surely being negotiated.
A war is ending.
We actually made a difference.

We actually made a difference. A big one.

We helped to end a war. every generation will make mistakes. loads of them. but sometimes it's proud moments way overshadow it's shameful. I hope ours will.

My thoughts nowadays.

2008-01-24T22:21:00.000-06:00

I know a person isn't supposed to judge a book by it's cover, but I find myself doing just that. Literally. (No pun intended.)
Meandering through the children's section of Borders, my imagination is enraptured by the various pictures of sword fights, princesses, and animals.
Tonight I broke down and bought a book that has appealed to me because of its cover and title for months. A prequel to the Peter Pan story, Peter and the Starcatchers, is the newest addition to my library. Yet another book that I shall start and probably not finish for another three years.
Of course, part of the willingness to splurge on this book was probably brought on by a wonderful dream I had last night in which I was among the lost boys, fighting pirates, swinging by vines between trees to sneak up on bad guys, and defending our territory in the woods.
I've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately, which I owe to my Zoloft. Most of them I've been able to make some sort of sense of. I don't really know where this one could have come from, but it was enjoyable.
And on that topic, I've recently decided to stop trying to suppress my love for children's books, fairly tales, and well, just good stories in general. I'm not sure why I ever tried to deny it, actually. I guess it was just one of those "I'm too old for this, I should read smarter, more respectable books. Time to grow up."
Yeah. I'm glad I don't think like that so much anymore.

What the heck, it's 3 AM and I can't sleep

2007-10-29T01:58:00.000-05:00

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you’re cool...

Opening Credits:
Jigsaw Falling Into Place- Radiohead

Waking Up:
You're Still You- Josh Groban

First Day At School:
Sum Of Beautiful- Charlie Hall

Falling In Love:
Bittersweet- James Taylor

Fight Song:
Track 27- Shroeder's Greatest Hits

Breaking Up:
Have yourself a merry little Christmas- Frank Sinatra

Prom:
To Where you are- Josh Groban

Proposal:
Here I am- Michael W. Smith

Life:
Wake Up- Arcade Fire

Mental Breakdown:
Be Thou My Vision- Michael Card

Driving:
Beautiful Sound- Newsboys

Flashback:
Paperthin Hymn- Anberlin

Getting back together:
In Love with the 80's (Pink Tux)- Relient K

Wedding:
Voice of Truth- Casting Crowns

Birth of Child:
You are a Child of mine- Mark Shultz (no joke)

Final Battle:
Dizzy- Goo Goo Dolls

Death Scene:
Not What You See- Kutless

Funeral:
Keep the Car Running- Arcade Fire

End Credits:

Bus Driver- Caedmon's Call

I'm seeing a connection between this and the last post

2007-10-23T23:01:00.000-05:00

How long does a person fight before giving in to the current? How long does kick and scream against sickness, fatigue, depression, and discouragement, before they are supposed to give in and call it God's will? How does one interpret long-term non sin related struggles, when these struggles seem to be because that person is doing what they thought they were supposed to do? What they desperately want to be doing?
When it can only be one of two things, that either God is saying that they are trying to take a hold of something, to be someone, that they were never intended for, or that they are exactly where God wants them and must depend on His grace to see them through this, how is one to tell the difference?

Andree Seu quote

2007-10-09T12:21:00.000-05:00

"This is the best I can do with unanswered prayer. The possible answers seem to be 'yes,' 'no,' or 'you have no idea what's going on behind the curtain of your sensate reality, so you best make up your mind once and for all- I do love you. Will you trust me?' "

C.S. Lewis quote

2007-09-19T23:17:00.000-05:00

From The Problem of Pain,

"We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character... one can imagine a sentient picture, after being rubbed and scraped and re-commenced for the tenth time, wish that it were only a thumb-nail sketch whose making over was in a minute. In the same way it is natural for us to wish that God had designed us for a less glorious and less arduous destiny; but we are not wishing for more love but for less."

Today's schedule

2007-09-19T22:52:00.000-05:00

7 AM- Alarm goes off- reset as a result of having stayed up late finishing a paper and taking too much Nyquil afterwards
8 AM- was supposed to work
9AM- was supposed to be in French class
10AM- was supposed to be in Doctrine class (but I did get the paper, for which illness had earned me an extension, e-mailed)
10:30AM- Got up
11AM- Chapel, with guest speaker Archbishop of the Anglican Church of Uganda Henry Orombi
12:00PM- Luncheon with Archbishop
1PM- skipped Cultural Heritage of the West Class to stay and listen to Archbishop
2PM- E-mail Prof. about having to miss 3PM class for...
3PM Interview for Bagpipe article with Dr. Rulon
3:25PM- unexpectedly hunt down Dr. Green for interview for Bagpipe
4PM- Workstudy meeting for team leaders
5:30PM- Hall dinner with RD downtown at Panera
7:30PM- nighttime chapel with Archbishop
9:30PM- Hide in library and write article, only to discover that I had another day to write it and therefore could have done more pressing homework
12:08AM- Waste more time writing on blog and rethinking life...

The significance of this day (which, for the record, was rather unusual, except for the oversleeping part) is somewhat overwhelming. Each individual event, as well as the whole, having more significance in my life personally than first glance may tell.
Hopefully I'll expound more on this soon, but for now, I feel responsibility calling me back to the dorm and to bed.

Chamomile and Sufjan and 1 am

2007-07-16T23:48:00.000-05:00

It's my own fault that I'm up this late. I chose to get a chai tea with espresso at Starbucks with my house mates at 8 pm. I'll regret it tomorrow morning when I have to get up for work, but for now my mind is restless so I'm just going with it.

As though I didn't have a hard enough time getting up in the mornings. Yet another struggle that, as menial as it might seem to others, I need to learn to lay the guilt of (so many missed classes and days of work,) at the foot of the cross and kill as part of my old, lazy nature.

So here I sit, on the couch of my apartment, with my chamomile tea, listening to Sufjan, and contemplating sleeping on the couch, where I might have a harder time oversleeping in the morning.

At least I'm using my sleeplessness productively; finally returning e-mails months overdue. Making to-do lists that I might actually accomplish when tomorrow comes.
And there are so many things I need "to-do..."
An ever-present pile of dirty dishes in the sink stare me down, a bathroom that must have only just now suddenly become dirty because I certainly didn't notice it before...
Little projects of my own, some necessary, some not, that lie around the house and around my mind half finished. Correspondences and prescriptions that have been pending for too long, both designed to ease my breathing.
So many sins and questions un-bathed in prayer and fasting- indulged, rather, in vain attempts of self-attained understanding.

Uganda

2007-07-16T23:16:00.000-05:00

I am finally going to post about Uganda. Not that I've finished "processing," which has almost become a meaningless term to me, since I just keep using it am no longer sure what I mean by it, what it looks like, and haven't tasted of the fruits of it, for which I had so desperately craved and expected.

Those fruits, I suppose, were understanding and peace. The first I have not yet come fully to. Ok, so I never will in regards to anything, let alone this trip. Although God has given me some small measure of it for now. All I need of it, anyways.

The second, peace, I have had all along. Peace not being an emotional feeling of ok-ness, but rather that all-surpassing sort of peace that is present by the power of the Holy Spirit, despite everything seeming to be in spiritual chaos in my life. I know, and knew even on the trip, (and what thankfully reminded on the trip,) that God has a plan and that everything is in his hands, working out in His perfect design, and is working out my good.

But I think I've digressed...
I do have a short summary of the trip that I'm pulling from an e-mail I wrote just a few minutes ago to a dear friend, whose father I met, crazily enough, while I was in Uganda. It was one of those things that just smacked me over the head with God's obvious grace to me on this trip, since I met him when I was feeling especially discouraged and talked to him, who had great wisdom and insight, about all the things I was going through. Anyways, here is the summarizing excerpt:

I pretty much had an emotional breakdown in front of everyone, including your dad, at one of our nightly meetings. Everyone was emotional that night, and many were wrestling with the same sort of issues that I was, and it all hit me at that moment and I pretty much had to be lead out of the room weeping.

My struggles concerned the nature of the way we were evangelizing. We didn't have relationships with the people we talked to (which would have been difficult since it was door-to-door,) and while I wasn't sure exactly how it should be done, having never really done it before, I was uncomfortable with how most of the people presented the gospel. It also bothered me that we, being the rich, white, westerners, came to a third world country, where the people literally have nothing, to share the gospel with all word and no deed. It seemed like a half-gospel, when the book of James calls for both word and deed. The fact that people listened to us simply because we were those white economic symbols of education and modernization, seemed like an issue we should have addressed. I'm not sure how we could have addressed it, but it felt like we encouraged an idealization of us by taking advantage of their listening to us but never addressing it. Plus, I'm not convinced that most of the people who "accepted" Christ didn't just do so because we were white, or because they are just a gracious people by nature who wanted us to be happy.

I was also dealing with some personal issues in regards to my own calling, faith, priorities, and pride.

But I don't at all regret the trip. I learned and grew so much, especially in light of what I went through. I knew these were questions I needed to be asking, and issues that needed to be brought out and faced in my life, especially given what I want to do with my life. And Dr. K is doing a lot of good things in Uganda, and it is exciting to see God moving there through his ministry and, even, through some of what the team did while we were there. Good friendships were formed, and I love Africa! It was exciting to be there and worship with and get to know our Ugandan brothers and sisters. I especially enjoyed the last week (enjoyed being a relative term,) because most of the team spent it living with one of the pastor's out in a village. We had no electricity, no plumbing, we were out in the middle of a village surrounded by African landscape, our walls in the house didn't go all the way up to the ceiling and so every conversation was heard throughout the house, and there were no doors, only transparent curtains, and many of us got sick. That week was an experience I am immensely grateful for.

It was definitely God's design that a few days later I wasn't feeling well and so stayed at the house one day. Besides Dr. K's house staff it was just your dad and me at the house, and so we ended up eating lunch together and talking, where we discovered the connection. When we ended up talking about my breakdown it was very edifying to hear his point of view of the situation and what I was going through.

I will most likely post more about the trip later on, but this is a start.

Seven Swans

2007-07-13T11:01:00.000-05:00

I'm listening to Sufjan Steven's Seven Swans album, which I recently acquired. It is a beautiful album, and I have heard that it is his most spiritual album. I'm excited about dissecting the album.

2007-06-21T12:36:00.000-05:00

Another session with my computer at Greyfriar's as I attempt to process in writing my trip to Uganda. This time I'll try to write a letter to my church and supporters. They are playing Dave Brubeck and I've already finished more than half of my mocha frappe. Must... focus...

Rainy day

2007-06-20T02:19:00.000-05:00

Today after work I went for a long walk in a steady, gentle rain. I walked out to the pond and took the boat that is always there, although I'm not sure if anyone actually owns it, and paddled to the middle of the pond in the rain. It was lovely. Very peaceful. Good prayer time. And I got to step knee deep in mud when getting out of the boat :-)

2007-06-13T16:39:00.000-05:00

I think I am going to be abnormally introverted this summer (abnormal for me, anyways.)

I'm still trying to process my trip to Uganda this past month. I'm writing a lot more than I have in the past, a healthy habit born out of the trip. Journaling was probably one element that saved my sanity on the trip; that and some of the other people on the team. I'm also finding it a good outlet for expressing my post-trip thoughts and feelings, especially when there isn't anyone immediately around me who would necessarily understand those thoughts and feelings.

It was a bit of a shock for me to come back to the states, since I don't feel like I really had the chance to focus on reflecting on the trip. I haven't had the chance to go home, but came straight back to school where I'm working for the summer. Living on my own, feeding myself, working a full-time job. It's all kind of overwhelming. Plus I know life will just get crazier when school starts again, since I'm an orientation team leader for the incoming freshman class, possibly the discipleship coordinator of my hall, and will have a crazy year academically.

I'm just kind of overwhelmed right now, emotionally. I feel like I'm actually growing up. I wouldn't want to be anywhere than where I am right now, but it's a lot to take in. So I'm going to be doing a lot of thinking this summer. And praying. And fasting. And writing. And reading (on a lighter note, I am enjoying a good novel and some new music.)

I do plan on blogging about the trip more specifically, when I get my thoughts more organized.

Woah....

2007-05-06T14:49:00.000-05:00

Can I breathe yet?

I don't think so. Not fully.

Sitting in my temporary living quarters in Mac, I'm eating a meal of pita bread and canned chicken. I leave for Africa on Thursday. We leave here on Wednesday and stay in Atlanta for the night. qahm/ Sorry, that was me dropping my fork on the keyboard. The campus is so empty, and I feel so alone.

Nothing is like what I thought it would be. Maybe I'm just more tired than I thought I would be...
The biggest surprise is that I actually wish I could go home for a while. I'm just not sure now if I'm ready for all of this. And so much has happened. And I'm so changed.
I'm not so much homesick, as I am just tired. I miss my parents. And things feel so unsteady right now, it would be nice to be in a place that feels more secure, just for a little while. Somehow it will all be OK.

I made these decisions with prayer, and believing it to be right, to be God's will for me. Knowing He would carry me through them. The decision to work here over the summer, to not go home. The decision to go to Africa for a month. The decision to come to Covenant. To major in Community Development. I knew it would be hard. and it is. But I still know that God is carry me just as always.
Maybe I would feel better had I not failed a class. Were I more financially able to pay for this school. Basically, had I not made so many mistakes. But I'm a sinner, and I'm going to stumble on this path, just so long as the path is the one God wants me on. The cross is powerful enough to cover all of my sins. And no matter what God gives and takes away from me, it's His will, and it's because He loves me.

God will give me rest.

2007-05-01T19:00:00.000-05:00

I'm so grateful for the fellowship of believers.

Today was not a great day, to say the least. I overslept for an exam that, until half-way through yesterday, I had thought was tomorrow. I was an hour late, had not studied, and I don't know how well I did. I also needed to get an 89% or better to pass the class.

Basically, everything else in life decided to catch up with me, since this morning's exam caused a huge breech in my emotional stability, and I've had about half a dozen break downs today. But every time I've broken down, or even explained my situation, it's been with loving brothers and sisters who have held me and prayed for me and let me break down. I think I've been prayed for and over more times today than in a long time. This kind of encouragement has really been defeating the initial discouragement of the morning.

Not to mention the amazing talks I have been having with so many people lately. I've never been so surrounded by so many people around whom I can make myself completely vulnerable, and who do the same. Being honest about the issues and struggles of our lives. It still isn't the most comfortable thing to do, to put yourself out to other people, and it is still something I have to struggle to make myself do. But it is always rewarding to open myself up to trusted fellow believers who are confirming of the fact that I am not alone, and I am not insane.

2007-04-23T20:15:00.000-05:00

Can't focus...
Sarah and Jason sit across, sharing earphones.
Still on an Anberlin kick.
Taste of lemon ginger tea.
Sound of typing.
Mind is fuzzy with so many distractions.
Africa.
Work.
Summer.
Friends.
Future.
Family.
Money.
All the things needing to be done.
Can't do it.

Of course not.

But does grace extend to these little things?
Or is it only for big things, things that absolutely couldn't be but for grace?

Is grace willing to condescend to these little tasks like school and work and relationships?

I should know the answer.

Time to breathe

2007-04-18T21:23:00.000-05:00

I'm not on the Tuck shoppe steps as of tonight. Although it would be a nice night for it...
I'm sitting at one of the tall, coffee shop like tables in the library by the hot water. Lauren and I are studying, although she isn't here this second. I'm considering refilling my tea cup, since the little that is left is cold, and it's only my first cup. I'm listening to Anberlin via my cheap, old headphones. I don't have any homework due tomorrow, so I'm just trying to relax and catch up on some things. It's odd to have a night without anything pressing actually, but nice. It's that insane last few days before the end of the semester where every paper, assignment, and test it being concentrated into the few days left of class, and everyone is just trying to get done everything they can and try to pass their classes. Many of us are also trying to fit in every last work study hour that we can, since we are behind. I doubt the bathrooms in Founders have ever been so clean...
In reference to a line in this song that I just heard (We Dreamt in Heist), I feel like I'm under the gun. Apparently I still owe the school money (money I don't have) so I need to talk to financial aid tomorrow. I'm trying to see if I can work in the week before I leave for Uganda and hoping I'll still have a job since I'm coming back later than expected. I'm also having a crazy amount of time taken up by meetings for Orientation team for next year. My Saturday is shot for that. The Saturday after that, right in the middle of finals, I am planning, along with many other students, to attend Displace Me in Nashville.
Displace Me is organized by Invisible Children, where hundreds of people will gather and sleep under cardboard tents in the city, surviving on water and crackers for the night, to bring attention (hopefully especially our governments attention) to the plight of the displaced refugees in Uganda, who are victims of the civil war in Northern Uganda. I am really looking forward to the event. It is especially exciting that just a little over a week after that event, I will be going to Uganda and spending a month in that country.
After I get back, I'll be working here for the summer, which will be amazing. I am living with my good friends Sarah, Jessica, and Lacy, in the student apartments. After that, orientation week, the new school year, and so on. Basically, I'm catching my breathe whenever I can. And I'm trying to focus on what I need to do now. Or for Friday. Such as reading Descartes.

Thoughts from the Tuck Shop steps

2007-03-28T22:17:00.000-05:00

Once again, I'm sitting here in the dark on these steps thinking. This time my homework is actually done. I've been thinking about the brokenness of this world, and all the pain in it. Somehow, in God's perfect plan, He brought about the ultimate redemption and repairing of the world's brokenness, through the biggest evidence of it's brokenness.

The David Crowder Band sings in their song "Wholly Yours," "from wounded hands redemption fell down, liberating man."

By the gruesome murder of an innocent man, God's only son, who never sinned but only loved, and willingly subjected Himself to death and hell, and the taking of the world's brokenness, brokenness was defeated. Only by this can the breach be repaired, people healed and forgiven, and Shalom be restored.

Scene

2007-03-26T21:58:00.000-05:00

The night air is cool and there is a light breeze as I sit on the stairs of the Tuck shop, at eleven pm, trying to study for my New Testament test tomorrow. Obviously the studying isn't going to well. There is a group of students in the distance, in front of the library, playing the guitar and drums. People are coming and going past me, out from Carter, the Chapel, across the Chapel lawn, to the library, all with their different lives and destinations. My earphones gently project the sounds of Jars of Clay to me ears, without totally drowning out the sounds of the distant students and the wind rustling through the trees.

In the ocean of my current stresses about school, work, friends, and everything, everything at which I feel I am failing desperately, I feel God calling me gently that it is all in His hands. This is a lesson that I know but haven't quite learned. How is it that I don't fully trust Him still? Lately I have been thinking about what it would look like if I were to truly have faith in God.

What would it look like for me to have no hesitations in doing what God calls me to do. To really believe, to the fullest, that He can and will do all the things He says He will. That everything He calls me to He has already planned the means for, and that He is carrying everything I do in His hands. How much more bold would I be?

What kind of beautiful peace could I constantly have if I believed that He has my best interest in mind. And not only my good, but His glory? What would my life look like if I truly cared more for His glory than for my own good? What if I understood how these two concepts are intertwined?

What if I were to really understand and believe in His love? That I am to come to Him always, no matter how I am. That I don't have to impress Him. That He knows the depths of my soul far more than I do, and understands it, and that I don't have to be in any particular emotional state to pray to Him. That I don't have to say the right things. To live my life as a constant prayer.

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus says, "For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

I am starting to have new insight to that verse since I live on a mountain. It's not just inspiring imagery. Jesus means it. The idea of moving this mountain is frightening. Not just physically, but spiritually. The idea of Christ's using the small faith of those of us living in our safe and comfortable community to do great things for him, to repair the brokenness of this world, is not comfortable. It's challenging. But it's exactly what He is going to do.

We often pray and sing for the Lord to pour out His spirit upon us and to reveal His glory to us. I wonder if we realize what a frightening thing we are praying for? When the Holy Spirit comes, big things happen. People are healed, tongues are spoken, people are bold, the gospel is spread. This is what we should want, but do we really? And do we really believe that when we ask Him in faith, that He will send His spirit?

I pray for the faith to believe that God will do all that He says He will.

It's now 11:26 and I'm losing faith in my own ability to study tonight. Once again, I'm relying on God's grace for me to accomplish all the things that I need to in the next week. I can't do it, but He can through me.

The wind is still gently rustling through the trees, and the students with the instruments have gotten louder and more lively. There are fewer people walking to and fro.

God has brought me so far. I'm still in awe that He brought me here, and I have to trust that if He wants me here, and I really think that He does, that He will provide the means.

New Semester

2007-01-15T21:36:00.000-06:00

(New semester, new hair)
This semester is going to be crazy, but I'm excited. I have 17 credit hours, with more challenging classes than last semester. I also still have 15 work study hours. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays will be interesting especially; chapel 11-11:30, Math 11:45-12:50, and Philosophy 1-1:50. So I will be eating late breakfasts and late lunches. In addition to my classes and homework, I have to work out regularly for PE. I'm also trying to raise money to go to Uganda in May. I'm also planing on working here at Covenant during the summer, since it will probably be the best opportunity that I will have to make money.

I am going to enjoy my classes a lot this semester. I am especially enjoying Theory of Community Development and Introduction to Philosophy. The bulk of the work this semester is going to be reading, and there will be a lot of it. I like that most of the work is reading, but this means that I am going to be fairly anti-social.

If I do work here over the summer, however, I think I will enjoy it. I don't mind the work (it's what I already do for work-study,) and I have friends who will be working as well. I would live for free in the student apartments with room mates. Supposedly they give you plenty of days off, so I would most likely be able to come home plenty.

I'm getting more and more excited about my Economics and International Community Development major with being in the theory class. The more I learn in the major, the surer I am that this is where God wants me.

What I Found by Accident

2006-09-26T22:13:00.000-05:00

During Day of Prayer last week Covenant had the tower open. Me and some friends decided to go up. However, it turned out our RA was supposed to reserve it, so we coudn't go all the way up. We ended up exporing a big storage room just below the tower. I decided to climb a big wooden ladder that went up to some secured boards above me. Once there, I found another smaller ladder that went up to a metal door on the ceiling. I climbed it and pushed open the door. Sunlight spilled out into the dark room below and I found myself seeing the pictures you see above. If I had not been shaking (or afriad of being seriously punished) I would have climbed out onto the roof that I was looking at. I was so grateful that I had my camera in my pocket and was able to snap the pictures that I did. I didn't climb up then, but now I have another item on my list of things I'm going to do before I graduate. Right between learning the guitar and camping out by the pond.

2006-09-26T21:50:00.000-05:00

Mostly for my own sake, I think I'm going to take up blogging again. There have been a lot of times when I've wanted to write, but just havn't. All the time there are things running through my head that I think, "I should write about that!" But then, of course, I don't. Most of what I write, especially now since I'm sick, will probably be just jibberish. But that's ok. It feels good to write.
I love college. I love Covenant College. I feel at home here. I'm waiting for my tea to cool off. I might have strept throat. I'm going to see the nurse tomorrow. Earlier this evening I could hear my friend James practicing the bagpipes outside. How cool is that? I was listening to Sufjan Stevens earlier. I had never heard of him before I came here and some friends turned me onto him. He is pretty much awsome.
This post is incredibly random; I guess I'm just typing whatever comes to my mind.
My roomate is playing Jars of Clay "Tea and Sympathy." I love Jars of Clay. They are amazing. It's funny because I'm drinking tea right now. Or maybe I just have a weird sense of humor. Every time I put my cup down on the dresser my roomate thinks someone is knocking at the door.
I'm so excited about my major. Community Development. It seems perfect for what I want to do. I feel like it's what God is leading me to right now. I'm stoked to see what he does in the next few years. Heck, I'm excited to see what he does in the next semester.

A senior reflection...

2006-05-18T20:38:00.000-05:00

So, here I am at the end of my high school career (or a few days away.) this is one of my reflections, although it’s about the future rather than the past. So, a prediction? Anyways, so I’m thinking about how the thing that has meant the most to me throughout my experience has been people (who aren't actually things, really.) lately everyone has been going through the annual sadness (including myself) about seeing people leave for the next stage of their life. People I have grown to love, respect, cherish, who have become family to me, I will no longer be at school with. No longer will see each other everyday (or just about everyday.) but to get to the point, we as Christians have a hope in this sadness. No matter if we never see our fellow Christian friends in this life after the day we graduate- we KNOW that we will be spending eternity together. This probably isn't that original of a reflection- but how cool is that? I mean, I’m honestly not trying to be smarmy or cute or just sound nice. That is the truth. We will be spending eternity in the presence of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, glorifying Him in perfect fellowship with Him and with our brothers and sisters.
Romans 8:35-39) says "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, for thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Doubtless we will go through a lot in our lives- its part of being a Christian. We will probably (I hate the thought) grow apart from most of our current friends. But as believers, we will always be brothers and sisters. We know that our lives have impacted each other, challenged and strengthened each other, in deep ways. We have sharpened each other and edified each other in ways that ultimately point to the grace of God. And we will continue to do these things. For eternity.
Prov. 27:17 "Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
So, I’m thinking we should plan a game of capture the flag for eternity. Everyone game?

Fire bubbles!

2006-04-16T15:47:00.000-05:00

In chemistry on friday the class did the fire bubble lab. we made said fire bubbles with soap, water, and glyceral (?) the insides of the bubbles were filled with methane gas, making them flammable. we put them on our hands and arms and lit them. it was the coolest lab ever. Paul singed a lot of arm hair, Kyle accidently pulled his hand back through a flame, and Charlie got a little dizzy from the gasses. other than that, there were no serious injuries to report. we took a field trip to the student center afterwards for fresh air.

The Great Blog Depression

2006-04-03T18:37:00.000-05:00

Blogs everywhere are out of posts. They are starving. There is a serious post shortage. And the deflation of posts makes every post worth so much. :cough: the blogosphere is dry. it's like the Dustbowl of the blogs. deadness. I have to wear a scarf over my face when i get on because the posts are so old and dusty.

Covenant Campus Preview Weekend

2006-03-28T17:39:00.000-06:00

By popular demand, here are pictures from the trip taken last week by Erin, Charlie, Mrs. Grotenhuis and myself. It was a great trip, and very encouraging for me to visit the college that I am hoping to attend next year. We had a good time and got to visit Matt and meet up with a few other friends. The college is incredible, and the people I talked to were all very encouraging. Erin, Mrs. Grotenhuis and myself outside the Starbucks in downtown Chattanooga.
Erin, Charlie, Matt and I hung out in the lobby of the main building, Carter Hall, on Friday night.
If you look closely, you can see the campus on Lookout Mountain.

The overlook on the campus.

Matt took us down to the Catacombs, the hall below his. They are reputationaly big prankers down there. It was Battleball night, so they had all of their crazy clothes spread out in their commons.
The view from the overlook.
Carter Hall.
The chapel.

Dance Pictures

2006-03-04T12:32:00.000-06:00

Here are pictures from the Sweetheart Dance that I went to last night with Charlie, Caroline, Drew, Danielle, and Kyle. Kayla and Paul met up with us at Mr. Yens. It was fun. Dani, Kayla and I acted stupid on the dance floor breaking out the robot, the sprinkler, and other random moves. Kyle and Paul even invented the curling dance move- imitating olympic curlers.

Dum dum da da da da....

2006-02-22T21:43:00.000-06:00

Is anyone else inspired by the olympics? Especially the snowboarding, when i watch the athletes i just want to get out there and do that to. the adrenaline, the competition, the fear, the victory.... sports are an awsome chance to glorify God with our bodies, minds, and spirits.

Another sweet song

2006-01-14T18:16:00.000-06:00

Hey, a new favorite song of mine by a band called Monday Morning. I heard it the other day and i started to cry. good tears, the kind of tears you cry when you are inspired and awestruck by God's grace. it's one of those songs that hits perfectly what i am feeling. God is awsome. Here is some of it- the parts that especially hit home.

all my hopes and dreams inside/visions lurk behind my eyes/something new behind it grows/...but I'm still nothing next to You/ I'm still nothing next to you/...what I've seen and where I've been/what's breaking out and breaking in/...how I've changed and how I've learned/becoming less becoming more/and I'm still nothing next to you/I'm still nothing next to you/...the sickness my mind's battled long/the center of my every song/the beauty of my voice it fades/into a spiritual cascade/flowing from Your perfect smile/I've avoided all the while/but I'm still nothing next to you/I'm still nothing next to you/all the future seems unclear/never moving never near/but You hold me as I scream/wake me from my wicked dream/something out there waits for me/hand in hand we wait for it/but I'm still nothing next to You/I'm still nothing without to You/and the wonder of it all is I'm still standing/...never planned it/and I wonder where I'll be next year/will You stand right next to me/will You hold me faithfully/should I question all these things/what makes me so deserving/of something that I've thrown away/coming back for me today/when I'm still nothing next to You/I'm still nothing next to You/hearts are broken just to mend/when will my brokenness end/lending my mind to dreams it seems/some things are never meant to be/but faith it lingers as I die/inside surrending I cry/I'm still nothing next to You/I'm still nothing without You

So I am stoked to see what God has "out there waiting for me," because i know it's just going to keep adding and building on to this awsome story He has going in my life. Even if it's hard and even if i don't at first like it, I know whatever happens is meant to make me more into the person he wants me to be.

Day hike at Hemmed In Hallow (part II)

2005-12-29T00:17:00.000-06:00

Erin perched on the rocks at the campsite, overlooking the water.
Another picture at the Hallow.
Another picture of us lost. (sorry the chronology of these pictures is a little messed up)
At the campsite. Denver, our inspirational military leader.
Matt, Denver, and Charlie on the rocks.

Day hike at Hemmed In Hallow

2005-12-28T13:15:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Matt, Denver, Charlie, Erin, and myself went for a day hike at Hemmed In Hallow. Here are some pictures of our trek.

We got lost trying to find the place, very lost. this is Denver going to ask directions from the visiters center.

This is the hallow. It is awsome. it's a waterfall at other times of the year, although now it is just a continuous trickle. it's do incredible to watch the water fall.
More of the hallow.
Looking up from in the hallow.
Erin in the hallow.

Crunch Time

2005-12-07T21:14:00.000-06:00

In more than one way. naturally it's the end of semester-time to get everything turned in-send in all applications-time to finish up MU classes academic crunch time. it's also time to start doing some crunches because the egg-nog, cookies, cany canes, and all other seasonal delights plus the cold weather's keeping me from exercise can't be good for me.
To echo Matt's recent post, i can't believe it's almost the end of the semester. pretty soon i will have only one semester of high school left. ever. and then the summer. and then off to college. wow. it's so fast, even though it took forever to get here. it's a little paradox in itself that way.
by the way, i just sculpted a potatoe snowman for ceramics. it's pretty cool.

If God can hear Jonah...

2005-11-14T22:51:00.000-06:00

If God can hear Jonah from the belly of a fish, he can hear me from the belly of academics. ha ha, i am so clever. I am learning my dependance on God and casting all of my cares for him to carry. I have to write a short story for one of my correspondance MU classes, for which i am totally drawing a blank. I got my act results today and i got a 24, which is pretty good. i'm going to retake it (and this time study!) i need to finish my Covenant app, and work on getting some scholarships as well and other financial aid (FAFSA, here i come!) i'm feeling senioritis creep on with the second quarter. i have a lot of cleaning to do at home, especially before thanksgiving. i have to do some shopping and find my Advair perscription, since i'm out. buy hey, life is still good. :-) it'll all work out for my good and God's glory.

Some STEP pictures

2005-10-17T21:49:00.000-05:00

here are a few pictures from when i went on STEP this summer in Chino California.

watching John Piper's don't waste your life DVD in the youth room
Discipleship training with Pastor Sawtelle
volenteering at His Nesting Place
on the way from the airport on the first day, in the most rockin vehicle ever. a '70 something station wagon. banana yellow with interior molding. seriously, this thing gives the Grotenhuis's van a run for the money. it rocks so much.
with the O'Neil's on the 4th of july.

Agrivation and rest

2005-09-27T13:30:00.000-05:00

I'm home sick today. the first full day of it; i'd taken off a total of two blocks for the enitre year. none of it has been because of fatigue, thank God. although i have been really tired, it because i have this reoccuring cold. it keeps coming back, although weaker every time, like the axe murderer in a series of cheesy horror films. hey, cool analogy, i should use that in English. but yeah, i got up this morning and felt not so good, my mouth was all gunky and my nose stuffy. after i brushed my teeth i got n my knees by my bed and prayed about whether or not i should stay home from school.
i decided that if i didn't take today off, when i wasn't doing too much in my classes (except i have to finish up and history test, but that wont take long) i might miss more later, or on more important days.
i hate missing school. i really hate it. but hey, maybe God is showing me that i am not yet invincible. just because i'm not over chronic fatigue doesn't mean it's going to be a breeze form here on out.

Homecoming

2005-09-25T14:38:00.000-05:00

Under the last minute coercment of a girl in my history class, i went to homecoming on friday night. the theme was "pure imagination" from willy wonka and the chocolate factory. the tickets were shiny golden tickets, which was cool. they also had graphic dance regulations on the back which was... interesting. I went with a group of 8, including me. i didn't know anyone in our group except for the girl in my hisotry class, with whom i'm not great friends anyways. we ate at Hinode, a japaneese steak house. the chef was nice and funny (they make the food in front of you, at your table) and food food was incredibly good. i'm drooling just thinking about it. i kept spilling fried rice all over my dress, which was rather funny. overall, i didn't like my group all that much. not to sound mean or snobby, because they were really nice. but they spent most of dinner complaining about people they didn't like, basically gossip. i was pretty quiet during dinner, piping up every now and then when they would mention movies or something like that. once we got to the dance i ran into a few friends of mine, and while my group went into the dance floor (they didn't abandon me, i kind of drifted away from them by choice, and they didn't seem offended,) i hung out with people from FCA. i spent the rest of the evening with that group, and had a good time, and didn't see my original group again until the end of the dance.
as far as dancing goes, my new group and i pretty much had the same ideas- the robot, disco, and some random cool moves we would do on the outside fringe when the mood struck us. it was fun. i didn't have to see too much of the nasty stuff since most of that was in the middle of the dance mosh pit.
my original group went to see the corpse bride after the dance; i went to a friends house instead where a couple of people were hanging out. we thought about watching a movie but decided we were all too tired and went home.

moral of the story: dances can be fun, but only when you go with your friends. oh, and i had a cool teal dress. the only pictures i have are of me at home in my dress, which i will try to post some time.

Joy in Life

2005-09-21T22:31:00.000-05:00

I'm just reflecting on how God has totally changed my perspective over the last few years. when i was going through a really rough time in my life and suffered from depression, my depression was more than mental. although it is a medican condition for which i needed the help that i got, and my medication did help, it was also a spiritual condition. i had no joy in God and absoloutly no passion for life. it's crazy how God chooses to bring us through the darkest points in our lives only to bring out in us our deepest love and desire for him. it's kind of funny, i remember back then one day picking up a book on our shelf called "spiritual depression" by D. martin lloyd jones, and almost reading it. i put is back and decided i really didn't need it. it wouldn't help me. then at convention this year in a workship, i forget which one, one of the speakers mentioned it as being a really good book that helped him get through some depression. pretty crazy.

just a little of whats going on

2005-09-19T20:31:00.000-05:00

I am getting a bit sick. i wanted to come home today after first block but i stuck through it and felt better as the day went on. so i'm very glad i didn't miss. i'm not going to miss tomorrow either. i just wont be very pleasent for my first two blocks :-P our walk for life team really needs to raise more money. i guess i'm sort of in charge of that. got my senior head shots taken this afternoon. signed up for the ACT in october. history test on friday or monday. chem test on friday. glazed in ceramics. aparently there will be another relient k concert sometime in october. i want to go. need to do some homework. cool convention pictures on rys website. i miss convention. can't wait for next year's.
Everyone go to see you at the pole on wed!!!

First will and testement

2005-09-06T22:18:00.000-05:00

since i have never made a will before it didn't seem accurate to call it the last one.
in the event of my untimely demise... well, i figured it was best to have these things sorted out.
first, i leave my toothbrush and chapstick(s) to Erin.
Angela gets my kitties, assuming hers don't kill them. whatever else, just keep them away from the Grotenhuis's.
Sam, my stand up kitchen-aid mixer, goes to Mark, so that he may make many a sweet potatoe waffle with it and pick up many a lady at Covenant.
Angela also gets my movies and my Audrey Hepburn poster and purse.
Charlie inheirits Mark and Matt, except that Erin and Angela have the shared responsibility of monitering their love lives (Don't let Mark get carried away with the waffles)
Mike gets all of my CD's and the responsibilty of finding my Relient K CD.
finally, Matt can have all of my books, textbooks, and Mr. Wilbur.

Now that we have all of these things sorted out, let me know if i have overlooked anything.

Looking back

2005-08-22T21:24:00.000-05:00

Looking back at the road so far

The journey’s left its share of scars

Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight
Looking back it’s clear to me

That a man is more than the sum of his deeds

And how you’ve made good of this mess I’ve made

Is a profound mystery
Looking back you know

You had to bring me through

All that I was so afraid of

Though I questioned the sky,

now I see why
I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view

Looking back I see the lead of love
Looking back I can finally see

How failures bring humility

(I’d rather have wisdom and pain)

Brings me to my knees

(Than be a comfortable old fool)

Helps me see my need for Thee
Looking back you know

You had to bring me through

All that I was so afraid of

Though I questioned the sky,

now I see why
I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view

Looking back I see the lead of love

These are the lyrics for Caedmons Call's song Lead of Love. I heard this song for the first time recently and, like Jars of Clay's Love Song for a Savior (which is a whole entry in itself,) this song is a piercingly accurate representation of my life over the last couple of years. people who know me know some of the struggles i have gone through since starting high school. now, looking back, i am starting to see God's wonderful plan unfolding in my life in ways that could never have been part of my own design. The line that especially reaches me is in bold; "I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view." if God had not brought me through all of the struggles in my life, and did not still, i would not be nearly as close to him. and through my struggles He is strengthening my faith, to know that He is preparing me for His service and to bring Him more and more glory in my life. I now have a joy in Him that could only be a result of, among other things, seeing His handiwork in my life. Now i want to boast in my trials, if only that others might see His grace working in me. Like Jars of Clay sings in their song Art in Me,

In your picture book I'm trying hard to see

Turning endless pages of this tragedy

Sculpting every move you compose a symphony

You plead to everyone, "see the art in me"

It is also ironic that the song would speak of seeing the mountain view, since, God willing, after the struggle of getting through high school i will go to Covenant College, which is situated on a mountain.

My "mountain view," to be seen in God's time, after walking many rocks

Lack of postage

2005-08-21T15:40:00.000-05:00

I am going to make a short, VERY compact summary that will probably serve as merely a quick intro for later posts concerning the various aspects of my AWSOME summer. for one, STEP, that was an unbelievably rewarding experiance. the things i learned i pray fervently i will not forget, and not only not forget, but give away. by which i mean i pray that i will put into practice all of the things God has done for me this summer through not only STEP but also convention and even a simple visit to a college. i was making a conection last night between what God is doing in my life right now and the name of the most recent CD of the group Caedmon's call. their CD is entitled "Share the Well," which they explain is related to a well ( i think in India) where two little girls sat with an empty cup, waiting for someone to fill it up for them. all day they waited and no one filled their cup.
God's incredible work in my life, and the utter joy I have been given in Him, is like that well. and it is overflowing. this is not only in my life, but in all of ours. how can we truely apreciate and make the best of this well? we have to share it. we are surrounded by dehydrated people dying for joy and grace and God has given us the great comission of sharing the well.
i shall post more later, which will God willing, include pictures. much love and until later, share the well.

I wish they all could be California girls....

2005-06-29T14:37:00.000-05:00

"Shouldn't you be in California?" my brother keeps teasing me. Well, soon i shall. on saturday i shall be leaving for Chino, California where i will be participating in the reformed youth servcies STEP (Summer Teen Evangelism Program.) there will be four other girls- who i do not yet know- from other parts of the country. i am a little nervous about not knowing anyone, but i am freakishly excited as well. the two weeks are packed with awsome stuff; sidewalk counseling outside an abortion clinic, disneyland, volunteering at the L.A. Mission, Huntington Beach, Discipleship training, Six flags, volenteering at His Nesting Place (a women's shelter,) teaching fifth, six, and seventh graders for the VBS program. WEEEEEEEE!!! busy, BUSY two weeks right there.
so pray for me whilst i am away- specifically that i do not become totally run down with exaustion. plus i will have one week to rest from that before RYS convention. i feel like these last few days of June are the deep breath before the plunge of July. i have quite a bit to do before i leave; finish packing, clean room, pack in as much schoolwork as possible (i'm doing corrospondance courses and i wont be taking them with me,) and other preperatory things. i'm grateful to be leaving from here rather than make the three hour trip to a big airport like KC.

Early Morning Mayhem

2005-06-11T01:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Sir or Ma'am,
It is now 1:16am. I"m lying here playing with an orange glow stick, and am responding to the harrassment of my friends to update my blog. I pity that they have nothing better to do than read my musings, but am deeply honored anyhow.
This lovely post is being dictated by the lovely and talented Erin, b/c I'm too lazy and tired to type.
I've been out of school for roughly two weeks now, and the sadness I had suspected to be unbearable is not as sharp as I had predicted. Um, perhaps I am still hmmmmmm, how do I phrase this, " am just out of my school mindset of finally be without stress." I am officially a senior now. Dot. End of setence. My summer has already been more busy than I thought.
Um, perhaps this too has dulled the pain of missing friends.
You can go take a shower if you want. I can smell you from here. (Erin says "YES!" Skittles [cat] "Meeeoooow.") (later guys)
well, i am sure that made for an interesting read. Erin is a very faithful dictator. wait... i mean...dictation taker (???)
i cannot believe it is already the 11th of june. i can't wait for july.
i went to st. louis this past week with my dad and i stayed with a family frien. she took me to a shakesphere in the park festival where they did an outdoor production of the tempest. it was very well done, although i have never read the play. we also went to the botanicle gardens whihc were gorgeous and extensive. there were fuzy baby ducks in the pond in the japaneese gardens. finally, we also watched the four feathers, a movie at which i balled my eyes out several times. sorry my sentances make no grammatical sense; it's one thirty in the morning. i started my two corrospondance courses today. creative writing and medieval history- for which i must now learn to properly spell the word "medieval." they are going to take a lot of time but should be qite enjoyable. i think i have rambled enough. i shall comment later... by which i mean i will p0st in one month when my friends bug me again. peace out and sola Deo gloria.

2005-05-19T21:47:00.000-05:00

Why do i intentionally think about things that depress me? such as finishing high school. ok, so i am only finishing up my junior year now, but i suppose it is better to start preparing myself for it now rather than next year at this time. i am quite grateful that i have yet another year left.
i'm getting off topic... i was thinking about depressing subjects. i was just reading about a senior who had his picture taken with another guy drinking their last school milks. i am now rather emotional. i don't want it to end. i want it to last much, much longer. i know we all complain about it all the time, but in reality we cherish the tedious assignments, the gross lunches, getting our friends to carry our trays back, pulling late-nighters to finish reasearch papers, and all those school funtions like How Day and Amaizing Day. these are "the good 'ol days," that we can never have back. we can never have these days back. it's worth repeating. i'm looking forward to college; i know it is still yet to come. at the end of a church camp i know i'll be comming back next year. at the end of my senior year, i will never be able to be a high schooler again. it literally hurts to think about that. i pray to God every day that he will lead me to live every day in light of that fact. to use it to glorify and enjoy him to the best of my ability and not have any regrets when these days are gone. i want ot be able to come back, but to quote the great Tolkien- "That is not for us to decide; all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."
i have one year left to live that out. i pray that i do.

FEAR THE POO

please ignore this post, i do not have a working printer so i am having to post my paper here in order to print it elsewhere

2005-05-16T09:11:00.000-05:00

Meghan Katzenberger

English III Honors

Mrs. Hill

May 17 2005
The Refining River
The current beat upon the wooden raft, cooling the hot, dry feet of its passengers. At home on the river, the pair of runaways eased back and ate “some corn-dodgers and buttermilk, and pork and cabbage and greens- there aint nothing in the world so good when it’s cooked right” (Twain 116). Neither of the oddly matched companions could have been prepared for the conflicts they would face that would refine their characters like fire purifies blown glass. In his book The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn Mark Twain uses the conflicts in the story to bring out and shape the characters of Huck and Jim.
At the beginning of the story Huck was irresponsible and unconcerned with the troubles of others. But as the story progresses Huck matures as a result of the conflicts he encounters. David E.E. Sloane observes that “the story traces Huck’s initiation from boyhood into maturity as a humane individual” (111). One conflict that causes Huck to mature is the feud between the Grangerfords and Shepherdsons. This feud results in a gunfight because of Sophia Grangerford and Harney Shepherdson eloping. After witnessing the massacre, which results in the death of his friend Buck, Huck feels a certain responsibility for what happened. He feels guilt because he could have interpreted a note that was exchanged between Sophia and Harney, revealing their intentions. His conviction is
Katzenberger 2
demonstrated when he says “I reckon I was to blame, somehow” (Twain 115). Huck feels that if he had turned Miss Sophia in before she ran away and got married, no one would have been killed. The fact that he could have prevented this tragedy gives him a sense a responsibility that he should have prevented it.
Following Huck’s experience with the Grangerfords and the Shepherdsons, he comes into contact with another interesting conflict. Upon Huck and Jim’s adventures involving the duke and the king, Huck replaces his naivety with knowledge of human nature. The conflicts between the “royalty” and the people they deceive cause Huck to see the true nature of his companions: these men were wicked liars. After the king tricks a group of people into believing a recently deceased man was his brother and receiving their condolences and pity Huck’s reaction was that “it was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race” (Twain 162). Huck sees the king and duke for what they are: frauds. He learns to not be as trusting toward the human race knowing to what lengths men will go for money, no matter what it takes.
Learning that not all men are good natured brings out in Huck a deeper awareness of those characters that are good natured, such as Jim. The conflict of Huck against loneliness brings out in Huck an appreciation for the friendship of Jim. Huck has always been out of place, whether it be with Miss Watson who tries to “sivilize” him, or with his Pap who abuses him. Before he runs away Huck “significantly feels ‘lonesome,’” until meeting up with Jim, because “with Jim he is no longer "lonesome’”(Cummings 1). “Huck and Jim’s escape encompasses a variety of adventures and discussions that deepen and enrich Huck’s understanding and appreciation of Jim” (Sloane 111). Throughout the story he sees how Jim has taken care of him and how in some ways Jim takes the role of a father for Huck: caring for him in a way that his real father never did and selflessly putting his well-being above his own. After the horrifying massacre between the Grangerfords and the Shephersons, Huck, frantic and scared, hears Jim call out to him from the raft and “nothing ever sounded so good before. I run along the bank a piece and got aboard, and Jim he grabbed me and hugged me, he was so glad to see me” (Twain 115). Huck realizes what a blessing Jim’s company and loyalty are. He begins to see that it is not only Jim who benefits from Huck’s friendship, but that Huck also is cared for by Jim and needs his company. With this realization Huck recognizes Jim’s humanity and, as declares “Themes and Construction: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,” “He turns his back forever on society’s ethics and decides he’d rather ‘go to hell’ than turn his back on Jim” (1). Huck gets the opportunity to develop a relationship with Jim as a companion and a friend rather then as a slave, as he had been raised to view him.
Unlike Huck, Jim does not change through the conflicts of the story. Rather, the conflicts he faces reveal that “his character is ultimately very strong” (Sloane 112). A reoccurring conflict in the story is that of nature against man. By this conflict we see the unselfishness of Jim when Huck has to keep watch from the raft during a storm on the river when in the company of the King and the Duke. By the third watch Huck “was pretty sleepy by that time, so Jim he said he would stand the first half of it for [him,] he was always mighty good that way, Jim was” (Twain 127). Jim looks out for the well being of Huck, even when it costs him his own comfort or safety. In the face of conflicting weather and weariness Jim’s concern for others above himself is revealed in his sacrificial actions.
Nature is not the only opposing force that shows Jim’s true nature; even when faced with the conflict he has with society Jim risks his own safety for the sake of watching over Huck. After their raft is destroyed Jim and Huck are forced
to separate and swim to safety. Huck finds out later that Jim “swum along behind [him] that night, and he heard me yell every time” (Twain 111). By keeping near Huck, Jim was risking capture, yet his loyalty to Huck caused him to take that risk. It is not only Huck’s physical well being that is aided by the presence of Jim. Mark Twain uses Jim, “by his presence, his personality, his actions, his words, to call forth from Huckleberry Finn a depth of tenderness and moral strength that could not otherwise have been fully and convincingly revealed to the reader”(Brownell 1). Jim protects Huck from harm throughout the story and, unknowingly though it may be, helps to mature and sharpen his character.
The conflict of a man versus society returns when Jim is finally captured and jailed. This time the conflict reveals Jim’s long-suffering and patience when faced with difficult circumstances. Jim, “a model of patience…embodying a fundamental decency that is denied by the social characterizations of him” (Sloane 112), endures abuse from his captors without betraying Huck or complaining. During this time “Jim never said nothing, and he never let on to know me” (Twain 284). Jim is a strong and patient character who does not become overwhelmed by circumstances. He puts Huck’s safety above himself, knowing that is Huck was found out to have helped a runaway slave he would be in serious trouble. Jim is a static character in that, rather than changing throughout the story, his character is merely revealed as we see him endure conflict and injustice.
The characters of Huck and Jim are brought out and shaped by the conflicts in Huck Finn. In his story Mark Twain shows us how trials purify and refine our characters. Letting the cool waters of the Mississippi wash their feet, Huck and Jim don’t know of the tests that await them on their journey. None of us do, but we can take our example from Huck and Jim and just take each day as it comes to us.

Long time no blog

2005-05-13T22:48:00.000-05:00

I gave one of our cats (the little one) a bath yesterday. Her coat is now softer and fluffier- plus she now smells good. she did not like the bath very much but she does not apear angry at me. I am very excited because my class ring came today!!! :D It is so pretty! Two weeks to go. I confess that i, once again, feel a certain sense of sadness at the end of the year. I like school. I'll be happy to have the break, don't get me wrong. but i am going to miss it all the same. not that i go around school proclaiming this...i would rather go through summer break with all my limbs attached. we get our yearbooks on monday, which is always fun. it is only starting to feel vaguely like the end of school, however. i am in the process of writing a research paper for English and am working on a collage thingy for history. it's on Gandhi. i spelled his name wrong on the poster so we had to cover it up with a picture.
I recently picked up the book The Enemy Within by Kris Lunguard that i hadn't read in a long time and in fact never finished. i would definatly reccomend it. it's about the power and defeat of sin. i am really looking forward to the STEP program in July. i hope to learn a lot from it. and to be a blessing to the Chino URC.
http://http://xtralargezero.smugmug.com/photos/13499043-L.jpg
This picture demonstrates my studiousness.

Thoughts floating about the blogosphere

2005-04-25T10:27:00.001-05:00

Props to George Washington Carver, inventor of peanut butter and 324 other products from peanuts, ''108 applications for sweet potatoes, and 75 products derived from pecans." And do't forget his contributions with the soybean.
Carver was a Godly man with a deep apreciation for God's creation:
"I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting system, through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in."
Two more of my favorite quotes from him are:
"Learn to do common things uncommonly well; we must always keep in mind that anything that helps fill a dinner pail is valuble."
and,
"It is not the stlye of clothes one wears, neither the kind of automobiles one drives, nor the amount of money one has in the bank, that counts. These things mean nothing. It is simply service that measures success."
So thanks to you Mr. Carver, for all you gave.

2005-04-25T10:27:00.000-05:00

2005-04-12T21:43:00.001-05:00

With the knowledge that it has been ages since i have posted i will post something rather pointless just to make sure the blog is still alive. I have to give a presentation on the Austro-Prussian war. I am going to have to remember to speak slowly becuase it is not as long as i had hoped it would be. This Friday we have a half day at school. I, however, will be their for two hours after we are dismissed because we begin our AP review sessions. I will still get out early, and classes will be shorter. The review should be fun because i love history and i would rather spend two hours on that than on, say, science or math. The "Pay it Forward" club at school is meeting at school early tomorrow to hand out candy, assuming someone got permission from admin. I can't find my big, green bouncy ball, which makes me sad. Has anyone ever thought about why, when describing something, you don't say the color first? For instance, i should not have said "my green, big bouncy ball." i wonder why that is? I actually read that from Tolkien at some point. he didn't understand why it was unacceptable either.
I suppose this is enough pointless rambling for one night. enjoy!

Me, Erin, Angela

2005-04-10T16:03:00.000-05:00

http://photos4.flickr.com/8344852_ef2333a274_b.jpg

Interesting Article

2005-03-27T17:12:00.000-06:00

I found this article through Narniaweb.com. It is a very interesting take on the debate over in which order the Chronicles of Narnia should be read.
http://www.aslan.demon.co.uk/narnia.htm

The Ring Two

2005-03-24T11:21:00.000-06:00

Last night I was suposed to go and see "Constantine" with a friend of mine named Anna. I had no particular interest in seeing Constantine, it looked theologically empty though somewhat entertaining, plus I admire Rachael Weis's acting capabilities. Rated R, I could have gotten (is that a word?) in, however they carded Anna, who is only sixteen. We had been in the process of calling other friends Joe and Josh, and possibly Joe's older brother Jason (lot's of J's....) to see if they wanted to see a movie as well. Long story short, we ended up seeing "The Ring Two" (I would infinetly have prefered "The Pacifier") With Joe, Josh, Jason, Dan, Matt (not my brother,) and Denver whose names you did not need to know but I thought it gave it a personal touch. It was fun although the movie was very bad.
I did not like the movie for several reasons. I suppose the point of the movie was to be dark and scary, but that is one reason I did not like it. I love scary movies, but not the dark horror kinds that seem to be all the rage. I prefer intense plot and the kind of scary movie that scares you with story and what you do not see, such as "Signs" and "Wait Until Dark." It was not incredibly scary except for a few intense scenes and ideas. The movie itself was rather empty of meaning, except for the importance of good motherhood; which is hard to sift out (Spolier warning) when mixed with the idea that good motherhood, in this case, included having to partially drown her son. But she was self-sacrificial and wanted to spend more time with her son and protect him.
Overall, I had more enjoyment playing Lord of The Rings Pinball before the show then I did watching the movie. But being there with my friends made it worth it.
But next time we are going to see The Pacifier.

P.S. Still no Dale.

I hate Mondays....

2005-03-14T17:07:00.000-06:00

Dale (the same one who was, in a previous post, on my lap) has run away! When Mark and Eric left this morning he got out and when Eric chased him he ran away. We have not been able to find him but are hopeful of his returning tonight at somepoint.

Cuteness

2005-03-10T21:36:00.000-06:00

Update: I have an adorable kitty on my lap!!!

When Peace Like a River...

2005-03-10T21:16:00.000-06:00

Ah, the stress level builds as usual. I always dread going to class because I am afraid of repercussions (SP?) for my missing work and missing classes. As usual, however, I did enjoy my history class. It is those last few minutes when we are all sitting around talking, and he is looking at his grades, when the danger is that he will request an overdue assignment that I have yet to complete. Perhaps I am paranoid...
But that doesn't mean he will not ask.
Today we were given something of a fatherly lecture because of our less than AP test results. Mine was no exception since I was less prepared than I ought to have been. I do not even want to think about English right now. My only comfort is that she knows how far behind I am and yet, mercifully, still encourages me and seems to think that I can catch up.
My goal is to graduate next year. It will not be easy since I will have a full, and difficult, schedule next year plus I will need to take summer school and at least one quarter credit correspondence in order to achieve the proper amount of credits. Summer school concerns me because I am not sure when it ends. The STEP program begins on July third so I hope (though I have not much hope) that it would end before them. If I am wrong I will either not be able to do STEP or I will have to do another correspondence class. I could always put off graduation for another year; but that would be dreadful as I am already a year behind. I really want to graduate with my class, plus I really do not want to be a twenty year old when I receive my diploma.

There was much more information than needed to be posted up there, but it does feel good to write it down. If you do not (and I cannot blame you) have the patience or time to read it all, here it is in a nutshell: Stress.

The French Revolution is really quite interesting. Turns out we cannot put all the blame on Marie Antoinette for the debt of her country since not even her extravagance could drive France so deep into it's own grave... Next week we are dramatizing it in my history class. We each have assigned parts for which we write our own scripts. I am doing the adoption of the revolutionary calendar. I want to find some great cloths for period costume.

Maintaining consciousness.

Open for blogness

2005-03-09T21:59:00.000-06:00

The blog is officially open!!! i am not entirely sure as to what this blog will consist of, but that, i supose, is the exciting part.