Thoughts from the Tuck Shop steps

Once again, I'm sitting here in the dark on these steps thinking. This time my homework is actually done. I've been thinking about the brokenness of this world, and all the pain in it. Somehow, in God's perfect plan, He brought about the ultimate redemption and repairing of the world's brokenness, through the biggest evidence of it's brokenness.

The David Crowder Band sings in their song "Wholly Yours," "from wounded hands redemption fell down, liberating man."

By the gruesome murder of an innocent man, God's only son, who never sinned but only loved, and willingly subjected Himself to death and hell, and the taking of the world's brokenness, brokenness was defeated. Only by this can the breach be repaired, people healed and forgiven, and Shalom be restored.

Scene

The night air is cool and there is a light breeze as I sit on the stairs of the Tuck shop, at eleven pm, trying to study for my New Testament test tomorrow. Obviously the studying isn't going to well. There is a group of students in the distance, in front of the library, playing the guitar and drums. People are coming and going past me, out from Carter, the Chapel, across the Chapel lawn, to the library, all with their different lives and destinations. My earphones gently project the sounds of Jars of Clay to me ears, without totally drowning out the sounds of the distant students and the wind rustling through the trees.

In the ocean of my current stresses about school, work, friends, and everything, everything at which I feel I am failing desperately, I feel God calling me gently that it is all in His hands. This is a lesson that I know but haven't quite learned. How is it that I don't fully trust Him still? Lately I have been thinking about what it would look like if I were to truly have faith in God.

What would it look like for me to have no hesitations in doing what God calls me to do. To really believe, to the fullest, that He can and will do all the things He says He will. That everything He calls me to He has already planned the means for, and that He is carrying everything I do in His hands. How much more bold would I be?

What kind of beautiful peace could I constantly have if I believed that He has my best interest in mind. And not only my good, but His glory? What would my life look like if I truly cared more for His glory than for my own good? What if I understood how these two concepts are intertwined?

What if I were to really understand and believe in His love? That I am to come to Him always, no matter how I am. That I don't have to impress Him. That He knows the depths of my soul far more than I do, and understands it, and that I don't have to be in any particular emotional state to pray to Him. That I don't have to say the right things. To live my life as a constant prayer.

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus says, "For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

I am starting to have new insight to that verse since I live on a mountain. It's not just inspiring imagery. Jesus means it. The idea of moving this mountain is frightening. Not just physically, but spiritually. The idea of Christ's using the small faith of those of us living in our safe and comfortable community to do great things for him, to repair the brokenness of this world, is not comfortable. It's challenging. But it's exactly what He is going to do.

We often pray and sing for the Lord to pour out His spirit upon us and to reveal His glory to us. I wonder if we realize what a frightening thing we are praying for? When the Holy Spirit comes, big things happen. People are healed, tongues are spoken, people are bold, the gospel is spread. This is what we should want, but do we really? And do we really believe that when we ask Him in faith, that He will send His spirit?

I pray for the faith to believe that God will do all that He says He will.

It's now 11:26 and I'm losing faith in my own ability to study tonight. Once again, I'm relying on God's grace for me to accomplish all the things that I need to in the next week. I can't do it, but He can through me.

The wind is still gently rustling through the trees, and the students with the instruments have gotten louder and more lively. There are fewer people walking to and fro.

God has brought me so far. I'm still in awe that He brought me here, and I have to trust that if He wants me here, and I really think that He does, that He will provide the means.