Can I breathe yet?
I don't think so. Not fully.
Sitting in my temporary living quarters in Mac, I'm eating a meal of pita bread and canned chicken. I leave for Africa on Thursday. We leave here on Wednesday and stay in Atlanta for the night. qahm/ Sorry, that was me dropping my fork on the keyboard. The campus is so empty, and I feel so alone.
Nothing is like what I thought it would be. Maybe I'm just more tired than I thought I would be...
The biggest surprise is that I actually wish I could go home for a while. I'm just not sure now if I'm ready for all of this. And so much has happened. And I'm so changed.
I'm not so much homesick, as I am just tired. I miss my parents. And things feel so unsteady right now, it would be nice to be in a place that feels more secure, just for a little while. Somehow it will all be OK.
I made these decisions with prayer, and believing it to be right, to be God's will for me. Knowing He would carry me through them. The decision to work here over the summer, to not go home. The decision to go to Africa for a month. The decision to come to Covenant. To major in Community Development. I knew it would be hard. and it is. But I still know that God is carry me just as always.
Maybe I would feel better had I not failed a class. Were I more financially able to pay for this school. Basically, had I not made so many mistakes. But I'm a sinner, and I'm going to stumble on this path, just so long as the path is the one God wants me on. The cross is powerful enough to cover all of my sins. And no matter what God gives and takes away from me, it's His will, and it's because He loves me.
God will give me rest.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I'm so grateful for the fellowship of believers.
Today was not a great day, to say the least. I overslept for an exam that, until half-way through yesterday, I had thought was tomorrow. I was an hour late, had not studied, and I don't know how well I did. I also needed to get an 89% or better to pass the class.
Basically, everything else in life decided to catch up with me, since this morning's exam caused a huge breech in my emotional stability, and I've had about half a dozen break downs today. But every time I've broken down, or even explained my situation, it's been with loving brothers and sisters who have held me and prayed for me and let me break down. I think I've been prayed for and over more times today than in a long time. This kind of encouragement has really been defeating the initial discouragement of the morning.
Not to mention the amazing talks I have been having with so many people lately. I've never been so surrounded by so many people around whom I can make myself completely vulnerable, and who do the same. Being honest about the issues and struggles of our lives. It still isn't the most comfortable thing to do, to put yourself out to other people, and it is still something I have to struggle to make myself do. But it is always rewarding to open myself up to trusted fellow believers who are confirming of the fact that I am not alone, and I am not insane.
Today was not a great day, to say the least. I overslept for an exam that, until half-way through yesterday, I had thought was tomorrow. I was an hour late, had not studied, and I don't know how well I did. I also needed to get an 89% or better to pass the class.
Basically, everything else in life decided to catch up with me, since this morning's exam caused a huge breech in my emotional stability, and I've had about half a dozen break downs today. But every time I've broken down, or even explained my situation, it's been with loving brothers and sisters who have held me and prayed for me and let me break down. I think I've been prayed for and over more times today than in a long time. This kind of encouragement has really been defeating the initial discouragement of the morning.
Not to mention the amazing talks I have been having with so many people lately. I've never been so surrounded by so many people around whom I can make myself completely vulnerable, and who do the same. Being honest about the issues and struggles of our lives. It still isn't the most comfortable thing to do, to put yourself out to other people, and it is still something I have to struggle to make myself do. But it is always rewarding to open myself up to trusted fellow believers who are confirming of the fact that I am not alone, and I am not insane.
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