Can't focus...
Sarah and Jason sit across, sharing earphones.
Still on an Anberlin kick.
Taste of lemon ginger tea.
Sound of typing.
Mind is fuzzy with so many distractions.
Africa.
Work.
Summer.
Friends.
Future.
Family.
Money.
All the things needing to be done.
Can't do it.

Of course not.


But does grace extend to these little things?
Or is it only for big things, things that absolutely couldn't be but for grace?

Is grace willing to condescend to these little tasks like school and work and relationships?

I should know the answer.

Time to breathe

I'm not on the Tuck shoppe steps as of tonight. Although it would be a nice night for it...
I'm sitting at one of the tall, coffee shop like tables in the library by the hot water. Lauren and I are studying, although she isn't here this second. I'm considering refilling my tea cup, since the little that is left is cold, and it's only my first cup. I'm listening to Anberlin via my cheap, old headphones. I don't have any homework due tomorrow, so I'm just trying to relax and catch up on some things. It's odd to have a night without anything pressing actually, but nice. It's that insane last few days before the end of the semester where every paper, assignment, and test it being concentrated into the few days left of class, and everyone is just trying to get done everything they can and try to pass their classes. Many of us are also trying to fit in every last work study hour that we can, since we are behind. I doubt the bathrooms in Founders have ever been so clean...
In reference to a line in this song that I just heard (We Dreamt in Heist), I feel like I'm under the gun. Apparently I still owe the school money (money I don't have) so I need to talk to financial aid tomorrow. I'm trying to see if I can work in the week before I leave for Uganda and hoping I'll still have a job since I'm coming back later than expected. I'm also having a crazy amount of time taken up by meetings for Orientation team for next year. My Saturday is shot for that. The Saturday after that, right in the middle of finals, I am planning, along with many other students, to attend Displace Me in Nashville.
Displace Me is organized by Invisible Children, where hundreds of people will gather and sleep under cardboard tents in the city, surviving on water and crackers for the night, to bring attention (hopefully especially our governments attention) to the plight of the displaced refugees in Uganda, who are victims of the civil war in Northern Uganda. I am really looking forward to the event. It is especially exciting that just a little over a week after that event, I will be going to Uganda and spending a month in that country.
After I get back, I'll be working here for the summer, which will be amazing. I am living with my good friends Sarah, Jessica, and Lacy, in the student apartments. After that, orientation week, the new school year, and so on. Basically, I'm catching my breathe whenever I can. And I'm trying to focus on what I need to do now. Or for Friday. Such as reading Descartes.

Thoughts from the Tuck Shop steps

Once again, I'm sitting here in the dark on these steps thinking. This time my homework is actually done. I've been thinking about the brokenness of this world, and all the pain in it. Somehow, in God's perfect plan, He brought about the ultimate redemption and repairing of the world's brokenness, through the biggest evidence of it's brokenness.

The David Crowder Band sings in their song "Wholly Yours," "from wounded hands redemption fell down, liberating man."

By the gruesome murder of an innocent man, God's only son, who never sinned but only loved, and willingly subjected Himself to death and hell, and the taking of the world's brokenness, brokenness was defeated. Only by this can the breach be repaired, people healed and forgiven, and Shalom be restored.

Scene

The night air is cool and there is a light breeze as I sit on the stairs of the Tuck shop, at eleven pm, trying to study for my New Testament test tomorrow. Obviously the studying isn't going to well. There is a group of students in the distance, in front of the library, playing the guitar and drums. People are coming and going past me, out from Carter, the Chapel, across the Chapel lawn, to the library, all with their different lives and destinations. My earphones gently project the sounds of Jars of Clay to me ears, without totally drowning out the sounds of the distant students and the wind rustling through the trees.

In the ocean of my current stresses about school, work, friends, and everything, everything at which I feel I am failing desperately, I feel God calling me gently that it is all in His hands. This is a lesson that I know but haven't quite learned. How is it that I don't fully trust Him still? Lately I have been thinking about what it would look like if I were to truly have faith in God.

What would it look like for me to have no hesitations in doing what God calls me to do. To really believe, to the fullest, that He can and will do all the things He says He will. That everything He calls me to He has already planned the means for, and that He is carrying everything I do in His hands. How much more bold would I be?

What kind of beautiful peace could I constantly have if I believed that He has my best interest in mind. And not only my good, but His glory? What would my life look like if I truly cared more for His glory than for my own good? What if I understood how these two concepts are intertwined?

What if I were to really understand and believe in His love? That I am to come to Him always, no matter how I am. That I don't have to impress Him. That He knows the depths of my soul far more than I do, and understands it, and that I don't have to be in any particular emotional state to pray to Him. That I don't have to say the right things. To live my life as a constant prayer.

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus says, "For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

I am starting to have new insight to that verse since I live on a mountain. It's not just inspiring imagery. Jesus means it. The idea of moving this mountain is frightening. Not just physically, but spiritually. The idea of Christ's using the small faith of those of us living in our safe and comfortable community to do great things for him, to repair the brokenness of this world, is not comfortable. It's challenging. But it's exactly what He is going to do.

We often pray and sing for the Lord to pour out His spirit upon us and to reveal His glory to us. I wonder if we realize what a frightening thing we are praying for? When the Holy Spirit comes, big things happen. People are healed, tongues are spoken, people are bold, the gospel is spread. This is what we should want, but do we really? And do we really believe that when we ask Him in faith, that He will send His spirit?

I pray for the faith to believe that God will do all that He says He will.

It's now 11:26 and I'm losing faith in my own ability to study tonight. Once again, I'm relying on God's grace for me to accomplish all the things that I need to in the next week. I can't do it, but He can through me.

The wind is still gently rustling through the trees, and the students with the instruments have gotten louder and more lively. There are fewer people walking to and fro.

God has brought me so far. I'm still in awe that He brought me here, and I have to trust that if He wants me here, and I really think that He does, that He will provide the means.

New Semester

(New semester, new hair)
This semester is going to be crazy, but I'm excited. I have 17 credit hours, with more challenging classes than last semester. I also still have 15 work study hours. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays will be interesting especially; chapel 11-11:30, Math 11:45-12:50, and Philosophy 1-1:50. So I will be eating late breakfasts and late lunches. In addition to my classes and homework, I have to work out regularly for PE. I'm also trying to raise money to go to Uganda in May. I'm also planing on working here at Covenant during the summer, since it will probably be the best opportunity that I will have to make money.

I am going to enjoy my classes a lot this semester. I am especially enjoying Theory of Community Development and Introduction to Philosophy. The bulk of the work this semester is going to be reading, and there will be a lot of it. I like that most of the work is reading, but this means that I am going to be fairly anti-social.

If I do work here over the summer, however, I think I will enjoy it. I don't mind the work (it's what I already do for work-study,) and I have friends who will be working as well. I would live for free in the student apartments with room mates. Supposedly they give you plenty of days off, so I would most likely be able to come home plenty.


I'm getting more and more excited about my Economics and International Community Development major with being in the theory class. The more I learn in the major, the surer I am that this is where God wants me.

What I Found by Accident

During Day of Prayer last week Covenant had the tower open. Me and some friends decided to go up. However, it turned out our RA was supposed to reserve it, so we coudn't go all the way up. We ended up exporing a big storage room just below the tower. I decided to climb a big wooden ladder that went up to some secured boards above me. Once there, I found another smaller ladder that went up to a metal door on the ceiling. I climbed it and pushed open the door. Sunlight spilled out into the dark room below and I found myself seeing the pictures you see above. If I had not been shaking (or afriad of being seriously punished) I would have climbed out onto the roof that I was looking at. I was so grateful that I had my camera in my pocket and was able to snap the pictures that I did. I didn't climb up then, but now I have another item on my list of things I'm going to do before I graduate. Right between learning the guitar and camping out by the pond.

Mostly for my own sake, I think I'm going to take up blogging again. There have been a lot of times when I've wanted to write, but just havn't. All the time there are things running through my head that I think, "I should write about that!" But then, of course, I don't. Most of what I write, especially now since I'm sick, will probably be just jibberish. But that's ok. It feels good to write.
I love college. I love Covenant College. I feel at home here. I'm waiting for my tea to cool off. I might have strept throat. I'm going to see the nurse tomorrow. Earlier this evening I could hear my friend James practicing the bagpipes outside. How cool is that? I was listening to Sufjan Stevens earlier. I had never heard of him before I came here and some friends turned me onto him. He is pretty much awsome.
This post is incredibly random; I guess I'm just typing whatever comes to my mind.
My roomate is playing Jars of Clay "Tea and Sympathy." I love Jars of Clay. They are amazing. It's funny because I'm drinking tea right now. Or maybe I just have a weird sense of humor. Every time I put my cup down on the dresser my roomate thinks someone is knocking at the door.
I'm so excited about my major. Community Development. It seems perfect for what I want to do. I feel like it's what God is leading me to right now. I'm stoked to see what he does in the next few years. Heck, I'm excited to see what he does in the next semester.

A senior reflection...

So, here I am at the end of my high school career (or a few days away.) this is one of my reflections, although it’s about the future rather than the past. So, a prediction? Anyways, so I’m thinking about how the thing that has meant the most to me throughout my experience has been people (who aren't actually things, really.) lately everyone has been going through the annual sadness (including myself) about seeing people leave for the next stage of their life. People I have grown to love, respect, cherish, who have become family to me, I will no longer be at school with. No longer will see each other everyday (or just about everyday.) but to get to the point, we as Christians have a hope in this sadness. No matter if we never see our fellow Christian friends in this life after the day we graduate- we KNOW that we will be spending eternity together. This probably isn't that original of a reflection- but how cool is that? I mean, I’m honestly not trying to be smarmy or cute or just sound nice. That is the truth. We will be spending eternity in the presence of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, glorifying Him in perfect fellowship with Him and with our brothers and sisters.
Romans 8:35-39) says "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, for thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Doubtless we will go through a lot in our lives- its part of being a Christian. We will probably (I hate the thought) grow apart from most of our current friends. But as believers, we will always be brothers and sisters. We know that our lives have impacted each other, challenged and strengthened each other, in deep ways. We have sharpened each other and edified each other in ways that ultimately point to the grace of God. And we will continue to do these things. For eternity.
Prov. 27:17 "Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
So, I’m thinking we should plan a game of capture the flag for eternity. Everyone game?

Fire bubbles!

In chemistry on friday the class did the fire bubble lab. we made said fire bubbles with soap, water, and glyceral (?) the insides of the bubbles were filled with methane gas, making them flammable. we put them on our hands and arms and lit them. it was the coolest lab ever. Paul singed a lot of arm hair, Kyle accidently pulled his hand back through a flame, and Charlie got a little dizzy from the gasses. other than that, there were no serious injuries to report. we took a field trip to the student center afterwards for fresh air.

The Great Blog Depression

Blogs everywhere are out of posts. They are starving. There is a serious post shortage. And the deflation of posts makes every post worth so much. :cough: the blogosphere is dry. it's like the Dustbowl of the blogs. deadness. I have to wear a scarf over my face when i get on because the posts are so old and dusty.

Covenant Campus Preview Weekend

By popular demand, here are pictures from the trip taken last week by Erin, Charlie, Mrs. Grotenhuis and myself. It was a great trip, and very encouraging for me to visit the college that I am hoping to attend next year. We had a good time and got to visit Matt and meet up with a few other friends. The college is incredible, and the people I talked to were all very encouraging. Erin, Mrs. Grotenhuis and myself outside the Starbucks in downtown Chattanooga.
Erin, Charlie, Matt and I hung out in the lobby of the main building, Carter Hall, on Friday night.
If you look closely, you can see the campus on Lookout Mountain.

The overlook on the campus.

Matt took us down to the Catacombs, the hall below his. They are reputationaly big prankers down there. It was Battleball night, so they had all of their crazy clothes spread out in their commons.
The view from the overlook.
Carter Hall.
The chapel.

Dance Pictures

Here are pictures from the Sweetheart Dance that I went to last night with Charlie, Caroline, Drew, Danielle, and Kyle. Kayla and Paul met up with us at Mr. Yens. It was fun. Dani, Kayla and I acted stupid on the dance floor breaking out the robot, the sprinkler, and other random moves. Kyle and Paul even invented the curling dance move- imitating olympic curlers.

Dum dum da da da da....

Is anyone else inspired by the olympics? Especially the snowboarding, when i watch the athletes i just want to get out there and do that to. the adrenaline, the competition, the fear, the victory.... sports are an awsome chance to glorify God with our bodies, minds, and spirits.

Another sweet song

Hey, a new favorite song of mine by a band called Monday Morning. I heard it the other day and i started to cry. good tears, the kind of tears you cry when you are inspired and awestruck by God's grace. it's one of those songs that hits perfectly what i am feeling. God is awsome. Here is some of it- the parts that especially hit home.

all my hopes and dreams inside/visions lurk behind my eyes/something new behind it grows/...but I'm still nothing next to You/ I'm still nothing next to you/...what I've seen and where I've been/what's breaking out and breaking in/...how I've changed and how I've learned/becoming less becoming more/and I'm still nothing next to you/I'm still nothing next to you/...the sickness my mind's battled long/the center of my every song/the beauty of my voice it fades/into a spiritual cascade/flowing from Your perfect smile/I've avoided all the while/but I'm still nothing next to you/I'm still nothing next to you/all the future seems unclear/never moving never near/but You hold me as I scream/wake me from my wicked dream/something out there waits for me/hand in hand we wait for it/but I'm still nothing next to You/I'm still nothing without to You/and the wonder of it all is I'm still standing/...never planned it/and I wonder where I'll be next year/will You stand right next to me/will You hold me faithfully/should I question all these things/what makes me so deserving/of something that I've thrown away/coming back for me today/when I'm still nothing next to You/I'm still nothing next to You/hearts are broken just to mend/when will my brokenness end/lending my mind to dreams it seems/some things are never meant to be/but faith it lingers as I die/inside surrending I cry/I'm still nothing next to You/I'm still nothing without You

So I am stoked to see what God has "out there waiting for me," because i know it's just going to keep adding and building on to this awsome story He has going in my life. Even if it's hard and even if i don't at first like it, I know whatever happens is meant to make me more into the person he wants me to be.

Day hike at Hemmed In Hallow (part II)

Erin perched on the rocks at the campsite, overlooking the water.
Another picture at the Hallow.
Another picture of us lost. (sorry the chronology of these pictures is a little messed up)
At the campsite. Denver, our inspirational military leader.
Matt, Denver, and Charlie on the rocks.

Day hike at Hemmed In Hallow

Yesterday Matt, Denver, Charlie, Erin, and myself went for a day hike at Hemmed In Hallow. Here are some pictures of our trek.

We got lost trying to find the place, very lost. this is Denver going to ask directions from the visiters center.

This is the hallow. It is awsome. it's a waterfall at other times of the year, although now it is just a continuous trickle. it's do incredible to watch the water fall.
More of the hallow.
Looking up from in the hallow.
Erin in the hallow.

Crunch Time

In more than one way. naturally it's the end of semester-time to get everything turned in-send in all applications-time to finish up MU classes academic crunch time. it's also time to start doing some crunches because the egg-nog, cookies, cany canes, and all other seasonal delights plus the cold weather's keeping me from exercise can't be good for me.
To echo Matt's recent post, i can't believe it's almost the end of the semester. pretty soon i will have only one semester of high school left. ever. and then the summer. and then off to college. wow. it's so fast, even though it took forever to get here. it's a little paradox in itself that way.
by the way, i just sculpted a potatoe snowman for ceramics. it's pretty cool.

If God can hear Jonah...

If God can hear Jonah from the belly of a fish, he can hear me from the belly of academics. ha ha, i am so clever. I am learning my dependance on God and casting all of my cares for him to carry. I have to write a short story for one of my correspondance MU classes, for which i am totally drawing a blank. I got my act results today and i got a 24, which is pretty good. i'm going to retake it (and this time study!) i need to finish my Covenant app, and work on getting some scholarships as well and other financial aid (FAFSA, here i come!) i'm feeling senioritis creep on with the second quarter. i have a lot of cleaning to do at home, especially before thanksgiving. i have to do some shopping and find my Advair perscription, since i'm out. buy hey, life is still good. :-) it'll all work out for my good and God's glory.

Some STEP pictures

here are a few pictures from when i went on STEP this summer in Chino California.

watching John Piper's don't waste your life DVD in the youth room
Discipleship training with Pastor Sawtelle
volenteering at His Nesting Place
on the way from the airport on the first day, in the most rockin vehicle ever. a '70 something station wagon. banana yellow with interior molding. seriously, this thing gives the Grotenhuis's van a run for the money. it rocks so much.
with the O'Neil's on the 4th of july.

Agrivation and rest

I'm home sick today. the first full day of it; i'd taken off a total of two blocks for the enitre year. none of it has been because of fatigue, thank God. although i have been really tired, it because i have this reoccuring cold. it keeps coming back, although weaker every time, like the axe murderer in a series of cheesy horror films. hey, cool analogy, i should use that in English. but yeah, i got up this morning and felt not so good, my mouth was all gunky and my nose stuffy. after i brushed my teeth i got n my knees by my bed and prayed about whether or not i should stay home from school.
i decided that if i didn't take today off, when i wasn't doing too much in my classes (except i have to finish up and history test, but that wont take long) i might miss more later, or on more important days.
i hate missing school. i really hate it. but hey, maybe God is showing me that i am not yet invincible. just because i'm not over chronic fatigue doesn't mean it's going to be a breeze form here on out.