With this last breathe of intellectual energy, I think it would be worthwhile to record the simple events of a simply, profoundly, wonderful Saturday.
As has been the habit of the last few weeks, I sleepily look at my clock after the second round of bells attempt to wake me up (post-snooze button.) I argue myself out of my soft, warm bed and into some loose, warm clothing.
I know I will regret it if I don't go.
This is the always the wining thought.
Today I decide it is cold enough to opt for driving the half mile or so to the Kauffman residence.
I arrive just in time for the blessing, as me and the other early-arriver's bow our heads and Isaiah leads us in prayer. Seating myself next to the thrice "retired" Rev. Al Lutz, I am immediately greeted with by Mary Kauffman with a plate piled high with steaming blueberry pancakes and bacon. Orange juice and hot tea garnish the feast, and I am soon joined across the table by Sam, and next to me by Brian. The conversations are always more filling than the pancakes (a hard battle) and today is no exception.
Somewhere in the midst of said conversation I am happily recruited to an after-breakfast leaf-raking party at the Lutz/Schmidt residence.
Warm and full, me and my fellow students gratefully clear the tables and chairs. We blow out the candles and load the dishes, piling the tablecloths in the laundrey room and folding up the extra tables; we know the routine.
Sam, Jared and I climb into the car, picking up Heidi at the corner as well. A quick swap of Heidi for Josh at the apartments, and a changing for me into more a more raking-friendly sweatshirt and wool socks, and we are off to the house.
I have never raked such deep leaves before. In the middle of the woods on top of the mountain, we are soon thigh deep in pools of reds and yellows. With more people than rakes, we scoop the piles onto blue tarps, drag them to the cliff behind the house, and toss the leaves over the ten foot bluff into the woods below.
I have never raked so many leaves before; I have also never finished a raking job so quickly before! The 15 or so of us manage countless tarp-fulls in no time, with Al running the leaf blower and wife Julie demonstrating how to unshell hickory nuts. In keeping with the years, Will and a few others jump off the cliff and into the ocean of leafs below. They dig around unsuccessfully for Sam's hat, apparently lost during the same stunt the previous year.
Somehow I manage to become some kind of mediator between siblings Brian and Kelly as they begin a rake-fight.
Soon we are gathered outside around the bratwursts, cookies, and chips prepared by Aunt Collyn Schmidt, heads bowed once again in grateful awe of our Creator.
Alicia sweetly prepares a London Fog for me, and I help her pass out the rest of the hot drinks around the fire inside the house, as the conversation turns to deep-sea life and Pterodactyls in the Congo.
As everyone slowly trickles out, to pursue other Saturday demands, Alicia invites me to study in the house that afternoon, although she will need to be on campus. I heartily accept the invitation, and escape for an hour or so back to the apartment and campus to change and gather supplies.
The afternoon is spent fruitfully at the feet of the aforementioned fire, with Aunt Collyn napping in her room, or reading her bible in the corner, while I am finally able to relax and focus on my work.
By God's grace I finally feel as though I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing precisly what I am supposed to be doing, and am undaunted for a time by the worries of life as we know it.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Just an Ordinary Day
On the gravel path that leads down from the main campus to my apartment, a blue mechanical pencil quietly found me walking back. Waiting for me on the edge of the path, it stopped me with a soft-spoken whisper of God's constant and and perfectly-timed provision for me.
"Remember the last time you found a pencil on the ground? You had just run out of all of your other pencils, and were on your way to class. It, too, was unbroken and full of lead.
"Perhaps you hadn't given it much thought, but that pencil is almost out of lead."
--- --- ---
Having hit the wall that night as far as homework was concerned, I headed out of the library. The car was parked in the quasi-secret place under the chapel Max had shown me just a few nights before. I veered toward the side door of the chapel, just on a whim, thinking that I would steal a few minutes alone with God in the sanctuary. Upon approaching the door, I was met with the low, guttural sounds of a kind of melodious nature. Curiosity led me in to find three of my friends practicing on the stage.
James is on the drums, pounding out the beats wearing nothing but shorts and athletic socks. Brian;s tall frame leans over the electric bass, his shaggy blond hair curtaining his face dramatically. But Jonathan steals the show rolling back and fourth on the stage, screaming the words to the song and playing his electric guitar.
Post my initial laughter, and their song dedication to me, I settle myself into a seat in the balcony and accomplish some reading to the soundtrack of their talent.
"Remember the last time you found a pencil on the ground? You had just run out of all of your other pencils, and were on your way to class. It, too, was unbroken and full of lead.
"Perhaps you hadn't given it much thought, but that pencil is almost out of lead."
--- --- ---
Having hit the wall that night as far as homework was concerned, I headed out of the library. The car was parked in the quasi-secret place under the chapel Max had shown me just a few nights before. I veered toward the side door of the chapel, just on a whim, thinking that I would steal a few minutes alone with God in the sanctuary. Upon approaching the door, I was met with the low, guttural sounds of a kind of melodious nature. Curiosity led me in to find three of my friends practicing on the stage.
James is on the drums, pounding out the beats wearing nothing but shorts and athletic socks. Brian;s tall frame leans over the electric bass, his shaggy blond hair curtaining his face dramatically. But Jonathan steals the show rolling back and fourth on the stage, screaming the words to the song and playing his electric guitar.
Post my initial laughter, and their song dedication to me, I settle myself into a seat in the balcony and accomplish some reading to the soundtrack of their talent.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Ben Entwistle
1988-2008
I don't like the phrase R.I.P. I already know that Ben is in peace. In complete joy and free of pain and suffering. He is with Jesus and I will see him again. We don't mourn for him, but rejoice for him. We mourn for ourselves at having lost him so soon. But what are the 60 or 70 years that we must walk this life without our brother Ben compared to the eternity that we know we will spend with him?
Death is such a difficult thing. It isn't a part of the created order. It is the ultimate consequence of our sin. And yet, death has no victory, and has lost it's sting, because now Ben is finally fully alive. He is home. That is Christ's victory. That is our victory with Christ. We need feel no sting of despair because we have not lost Ben. We will be united with him again soon.
Ben's death is a rush of stinging ice water to my face; a reminder to me of what it really means that my life is not my own, but belongs to Christ. And the days and hours he has lent me here are to be used boldly for him, not tucked away safe and unused in caution and comfort. Like the servants who were given coins, I must invest mine boldly and use them.
I've been given, in such a bitter-sweet way, a newfound courage and confirmation to go back to Covenant, despite my fears of getting sick and having another patched-up semester like the last few. Ben's father reminds me that there are no "what ifs," and that God is completely in control, and that he is good, and that he really and truly loves us. He is overflowing with grace and love in our lives.
Death is such a difficult thing. It isn't a part of the created order. It is the ultimate consequence of our sin. And yet, death has no victory, and has lost it's sting, because now Ben is finally fully alive. He is home. That is Christ's victory. That is our victory with Christ. We need feel no sting of despair because we have not lost Ben. We will be united with him again soon.
Ben's death is a rush of stinging ice water to my face; a reminder to me of what it really means that my life is not my own, but belongs to Christ. And the days and hours he has lent me here are to be used boldly for him, not tucked away safe and unused in caution and comfort. Like the servants who were given coins, I must invest mine boldly and use them.
I've been given, in such a bitter-sweet way, a newfound courage and confirmation to go back to Covenant, despite my fears of getting sick and having another patched-up semester like the last few. Ben's father reminds me that there are no "what ifs," and that God is completely in control, and that he is good, and that he really and truly loves us. He is overflowing with grace and love in our lives.
The Earth feels emptier without you in it Ben,
and the sun is shining a little less brightly without your smile to compete with it.
See you soon, brother!
and the sun is shining a little less brightly without your smile to compete with it.
See you soon, brother!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Ethanol and the Fox and the Hound
This has been a very girly sort of a week for me. And tonight I have continued that tradition by eating Ben & Jerry's Brownie Fudge ice cream straight from the container while watching a classic Disney movie. I haven't seen the Fox and the Hound for years, and now I'm remembering why I used to love this movie.
Except that now I want to cry, since it's the beginning of the movie, and the baby fox's mommy just got killed, and the fox has huge eyes and acts like a sad, skiddish little kitten...
I heard another angle on the ethanol issue at work the other day. Many of our patients are small farmers, or former farmers. The new use of corn-based ethanol has increased the price of corn. Now many farmers cannot afford to buy corn as feed. Other types of feed have also increased in prices. And the outlook is that the prices will just continue to go up.
Another lady, not a farmer, but well educated in world affairs, was saying that, while we will buy less foreign oil with the use of ethanol, we will be importing more corn from overseas. Corn which is a staple food in many other countries, especially third world countries. So it is making it more difficult and expensive for people in the third world to buy food for themselves and their families. And, of course, there is a high chance of underpaying or mistreating workers in foreign countries from whom we export corn.
I'm not saying I'm against the increased use of ethanol, but I think it is important to look at all aspects of the issue.
Ah the complications of life.
Except that now I want to cry, since it's the beginning of the movie, and the baby fox's mommy just got killed, and the fox has huge eyes and acts like a sad, skiddish little kitten...
I heard another angle on the ethanol issue at work the other day. Many of our patients are small farmers, or former farmers. The new use of corn-based ethanol has increased the price of corn. Now many farmers cannot afford to buy corn as feed. Other types of feed have also increased in prices. And the outlook is that the prices will just continue to go up.
Another lady, not a farmer, but well educated in world affairs, was saying that, while we will buy less foreign oil with the use of ethanol, we will be importing more corn from overseas. Corn which is a staple food in many other countries, especially third world countries. So it is making it more difficult and expensive for people in the third world to buy food for themselves and their families. And, of course, there is a high chance of underpaying or mistreating workers in foreign countries from whom we export corn.
I'm not saying I'm against the increased use of ethanol, but I think it is important to look at all aspects of the issue.
Ah the complications of life.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Blogosphere, oh blogosphere...
I'm wondering if anyone actually reads my little blog here.
Perhaps if I actually posted on it more regularly it might stand a better chance...
Or perhaps not.
None the less, I have enjoyed the blogosphere.
So I went to this meeting the other night about starting an invisible children chapter, or have some local involvement in any case, to raise help and awareness about the situation here in Springfield.
For those of you (my many readers) who do not know what i'm talking about, you should make yourself aware. go to invisiblechildren.com and explore. little do many of us comfortable, middle class americans know, but there has been a bloody civil war going on in the country of Uganda for twenty some years, which has destroyed the lives of countless children who are forced into a rebel army as soldiers, girls who are forced to be child wives of rebel leaders, and men, women, and children who were forced out of their homes and into inhumane displacement camps.
so we were talking about the effect that the organization has made on the issue, and in thinking and talking about it, it was actually quite humbling to think about the impact it has had.
for example: last spring, about a year ago, the organization held a national event, localted in 15 major cities across the us, where thousands of people, especially young people (high school-college age) gathered and reflected a shadow of what life is like in a displacement camp by sleeping in cardboard boxes, eating only saltine crackers and water, and other such things.
we also wrote letters to our senators, urging action in ending this war.
so senators across the US all of a sudden had hundreds of letters hand-delivered to them all reading the same message: we have a responsibility to help end this war.
and they did something about it.
they wrote a letter to president bush and condeliza rice.
eventually president bush appointed a delegate to go over and help negotiate peace between Joseph Koney and the Ugandan government.
Peace is slowly, but surely being negotiated.
A war is ending.
We actually made a difference.
We actually made a difference. A big one.
We helped to end a war. every generation will make mistakes. loads of them. but sometimes it's proud moments way overshadow it's shameful. I hope ours will.
Perhaps if I actually posted on it more regularly it might stand a better chance...
Or perhaps not.
None the less, I have enjoyed the blogosphere.
So I went to this meeting the other night about starting an invisible children chapter, or have some local involvement in any case, to raise help and awareness about the situation here in Springfield.
For those of you (my many readers) who do not know what i'm talking about, you should make yourself aware. go to invisiblechildren.com and explore. little do many of us comfortable, middle class americans know, but there has been a bloody civil war going on in the country of Uganda for twenty some years, which has destroyed the lives of countless children who are forced into a rebel army as soldiers, girls who are forced to be child wives of rebel leaders, and men, women, and children who were forced out of their homes and into inhumane displacement camps.
so we were talking about the effect that the organization has made on the issue, and in thinking and talking about it, it was actually quite humbling to think about the impact it has had.
for example: last spring, about a year ago, the organization held a national event, localted in 15 major cities across the us, where thousands of people, especially young people (high school-college age) gathered and reflected a shadow of what life is like in a displacement camp by sleeping in cardboard boxes, eating only saltine crackers and water, and other such things.
we also wrote letters to our senators, urging action in ending this war.
so senators across the US all of a sudden had hundreds of letters hand-delivered to them all reading the same message: we have a responsibility to help end this war.
and they did something about it.
they wrote a letter to president bush and condeliza rice.
eventually president bush appointed a delegate to go over and help negotiate peace between Joseph Koney and the Ugandan government.
Peace is slowly, but surely being negotiated.
A war is ending.
We actually made a difference.
We actually made a difference. A big one.
We helped to end a war. every generation will make mistakes. loads of them. but sometimes it's proud moments way overshadow it's shameful. I hope ours will.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
My thoughts nowadays.
I know a person isn't supposed to judge a book by it's cover, but I find myself doing just that. Literally. (No pun intended.)
Meandering through the children's section of Borders, my imagination is enraptured by the various pictures of sword fights, princesses, and animals.
Tonight I broke down and bought a book that has appealed to me because of its cover and title for months. A prequel to the Peter Pan story, Peter and the Starcatchers, is the newest addition to my library. Yet another book that I shall start and probably not finish for another three years.
Of course, part of the willingness to splurge on this book was probably brought on by a wonderful dream I had last night in which I was among the lost boys, fighting pirates, swinging by vines between trees to sneak up on bad guys, and defending our territory in the woods.
I've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately, which I owe to my Zoloft. Most of them I've been able to make some sort of sense of. I don't really know where this one could have come from, but it was enjoyable.
And on that topic, I've recently decided to stop trying to suppress my love for children's books, fairly tales, and well, just good stories in general. I'm not sure why I ever tried to deny it, actually. I guess it was just one of those "I'm too old for this, I should read smarter, more respectable books. Time to grow up."
Yeah. I'm glad I don't think like that so much anymore.
Meandering through the children's section of Borders, my imagination is enraptured by the various pictures of sword fights, princesses, and animals.
Tonight I broke down and bought a book that has appealed to me because of its cover and title for months. A prequel to the Peter Pan story, Peter and the Starcatchers, is the newest addition to my library. Yet another book that I shall start and probably not finish for another three years.
Of course, part of the willingness to splurge on this book was probably brought on by a wonderful dream I had last night in which I was among the lost boys, fighting pirates, swinging by vines between trees to sneak up on bad guys, and defending our territory in the woods.
I've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately, which I owe to my Zoloft. Most of them I've been able to make some sort of sense of. I don't really know where this one could have come from, but it was enjoyable.
And on that topic, I've recently decided to stop trying to suppress my love for children's books, fairly tales, and well, just good stories in general. I'm not sure why I ever tried to deny it, actually. I guess it was just one of those "I'm too old for this, I should read smarter, more respectable books. Time to grow up."
Yeah. I'm glad I don't think like that so much anymore.
Monday, October 29, 2007
What the heck, it's 3 AM and I can't sleep
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you’re cool...
Opening Credits:
Jigsaw Falling Into Place- Radiohead
Waking Up:
You're Still You- Josh Groban
First Day At School:
Sum Of Beautiful- Charlie Hall
Falling In Love:
Bittersweet- James Taylor
Fight Song:
Track 27- Shroeder's Greatest Hits
Breaking Up:
Have yourself a merry little Christmas- Frank Sinatra
Prom:
To Where you are- Josh Groban
Proposal:
Here I am- Michael W. Smith
Life:
Wake Up- Arcade Fire
Mental Breakdown:
Be Thou My Vision- Michael Card
Driving:
Beautiful Sound- Newsboys
Flashback:
Paperthin Hymn- Anberlin
Getting back together:
In Love with the 80's (Pink Tux)- Relient K
Wedding:
Voice of Truth- Casting Crowns
Birth of Child:
You are a Child of mine- Mark Shultz (no joke)
Final Battle:
Dizzy- Goo Goo Dolls
Death Scene:
Not What You See- Kutless
Funeral:
Keep the Car Running- Arcade Fire
End Credits:
Bus Driver- Caedmon's Call
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you’re cool...
Opening Credits:
Jigsaw Falling Into Place- Radiohead
Waking Up:
You're Still You- Josh Groban
First Day At School:
Sum Of Beautiful- Charlie Hall
Falling In Love:
Bittersweet- James Taylor
Fight Song:
Track 27- Shroeder's Greatest Hits
Breaking Up:
Have yourself a merry little Christmas- Frank Sinatra
Prom:
To Where you are- Josh Groban
Proposal:
Here I am- Michael W. Smith
Life:
Wake Up- Arcade Fire
Mental Breakdown:
Be Thou My Vision- Michael Card
Driving:
Beautiful Sound- Newsboys
Flashback:
Paperthin Hymn- Anberlin
Getting back together:
In Love with the 80's (Pink Tux)- Relient K
Wedding:
Voice of Truth- Casting Crowns
Birth of Child:
You are a Child of mine- Mark Shultz (no joke)
Final Battle:
Dizzy- Goo Goo Dolls
Death Scene:
Not What You See- Kutless
Funeral:
Keep the Car Running- Arcade Fire
End Credits:
Bus Driver- Caedmon's Call
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I'm seeing a connection between this and the last post
How long does a person fight before giving in to the current? How long does kick and scream against sickness, fatigue, depression, and discouragement, before they are supposed to give in and call it God's will? How does one interpret long-term non sin related struggles, when these struggles seem to be because that person is doing what they thought they were supposed to do? What they desperately want to be doing?
When it can only be one of two things, that either God is saying that they are trying to take a hold of something, to be someone, that they were never intended for, or that they are exactly where God wants them and must depend on His grace to see them through this, how is one to tell the difference?
When it can only be one of two things, that either God is saying that they are trying to take a hold of something, to be someone, that they were never intended for, or that they are exactly where God wants them and must depend on His grace to see them through this, how is one to tell the difference?
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Andree Seu quote
"This is the best I can do with unanswered prayer. The possible answers seem to be 'yes,' 'no,' or 'you have no idea what's going on behind the curtain of your sensate reality, so you best make up your mind once and for all- I do love you. Will you trust me?' "
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
C.S. Lewis quote
From The Problem of Pain,
"We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character... one can imagine a sentient picture, after being rubbed and scraped and re-commenced for the tenth time, wish that it were only a thumb-nail sketch whose making over was in a minute. In the same way it is natural for us to wish that God had designed us for a less glorious and less arduous destiny; but we are not wishing for more love but for less."
"We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character... one can imagine a sentient picture, after being rubbed and scraped and re-commenced for the tenth time, wish that it were only a thumb-nail sketch whose making over was in a minute. In the same way it is natural for us to wish that God had designed us for a less glorious and less arduous destiny; but we are not wishing for more love but for less."
Today's schedule
7 AM- Alarm goes off- reset as a result of having stayed up late finishing a paper and taking too much Nyquil afterwards
8 AM- was supposed to work
9AM- was supposed to be in French class
10AM- was supposed to be in Doctrine class (but I did get the paper, for which illness had earned me an extension, e-mailed)
10:30AM- Got up
11AM- Chapel, with guest speaker Archbishop of the Anglican Church of Uganda Henry Orombi
12:00PM- Luncheon with Archbishop
1PM- skipped Cultural Heritage of the West Class to stay and listen to Archbishop
2PM- E-mail Prof. about having to miss 3PM class for...
3PM Interview for Bagpipe article with Dr. Rulon
3:25PM- unexpectedly hunt down Dr. Green for interview for Bagpipe
4PM- Workstudy meeting for team leaders
5:30PM- Hall dinner with RD downtown at Panera
7:30PM- nighttime chapel with Archbishop
9:30PM- Hide in library and write article, only to discover that I had another day to write it and therefore could have done more pressing homework
12:08AM- Waste more time writing on blog and rethinking life...
The significance of this day (which, for the record, was rather unusual, except for the oversleeping part) is somewhat overwhelming. Each individual event, as well as the whole, having more significance in my life personally than first glance may tell.
Hopefully I'll expound more on this soon, but for now, I feel responsibility calling me back to the dorm and to bed.
8 AM- was supposed to work
9AM- was supposed to be in French class
10AM- was supposed to be in Doctrine class (but I did get the paper, for which illness had earned me an extension, e-mailed)
10:30AM- Got up
11AM- Chapel, with guest speaker Archbishop of the Anglican Church of Uganda Henry Orombi
12:00PM- Luncheon with Archbishop
1PM- skipped Cultural Heritage of the West Class to stay and listen to Archbishop
2PM- E-mail Prof. about having to miss 3PM class for...
3PM Interview for Bagpipe article with Dr. Rulon
3:25PM- unexpectedly hunt down Dr. Green for interview for Bagpipe
4PM- Workstudy meeting for team leaders
5:30PM- Hall dinner with RD downtown at Panera
7:30PM- nighttime chapel with Archbishop
9:30PM- Hide in library and write article, only to discover that I had another day to write it and therefore could have done more pressing homework
12:08AM- Waste more time writing on blog and rethinking life...
The significance of this day (which, for the record, was rather unusual, except for the oversleeping part) is somewhat overwhelming. Each individual event, as well as the whole, having more significance in my life personally than first glance may tell.
Hopefully I'll expound more on this soon, but for now, I feel responsibility calling me back to the dorm and to bed.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Chamomile and Sufjan and 1 am
It's my own fault that I'm up this late. I chose to get a chai tea with espresso at Starbucks with my house mates at 8 pm. I'll regret it tomorrow morning when I have to get up for work, but for now my mind is restless so I'm just going with it.
As though I didn't have a hard enough time getting up in the mornings. Yet another struggle that, as menial as it might seem to others, I need to learn to lay the guilt of (so many missed classes and days of work,) at the foot of the cross and kill as part of my old, lazy nature.
So here I sit, on the couch of my apartment, with my chamomile tea, listening to Sufjan, and contemplating sleeping on the couch, where I might have a harder time oversleeping in the morning.
At least I'm using my sleeplessness productively; finally returning e-mails months overdue. Making to-do lists that I might actually accomplish when tomorrow comes.
And there are so many things I need "to-do..."
An ever-present pile of dirty dishes in the sink stare me down, a bathroom that must have only just now suddenly become dirty because I certainly didn't notice it before...
Little projects of my own, some necessary, some not, that lie around the house and around my mind half finished. Correspondences and prescriptions that have been pending for too long, both designed to ease my breathing.
So many sins and questions un-bathed in prayer and fasting- indulged, rather, in vain attempts of self-attained understanding.
As though I didn't have a hard enough time getting up in the mornings. Yet another struggle that, as menial as it might seem to others, I need to learn to lay the guilt of (so many missed classes and days of work,) at the foot of the cross and kill as part of my old, lazy nature.
So here I sit, on the couch of my apartment, with my chamomile tea, listening to Sufjan, and contemplating sleeping on the couch, where I might have a harder time oversleeping in the morning.
At least I'm using my sleeplessness productively; finally returning e-mails months overdue. Making to-do lists that I might actually accomplish when tomorrow comes.
And there are so many things I need "to-do..."
An ever-present pile of dirty dishes in the sink stare me down, a bathroom that must have only just now suddenly become dirty because I certainly didn't notice it before...
Little projects of my own, some necessary, some not, that lie around the house and around my mind half finished. Correspondences and prescriptions that have been pending for too long, both designed to ease my breathing.
So many sins and questions un-bathed in prayer and fasting- indulged, rather, in vain attempts of self-attained understanding.
Uganda
I am finally going to post about Uganda. Not that I've finished "processing," which has almost become a meaningless term to me, since I just keep using it am no longer sure what I mean by it, what it looks like, and haven't tasted of the fruits of it, for which I had so desperately craved and expected.
Those fruits, I suppose, were understanding and peace. The first I have not yet come fully to. Ok, so I never will in regards to anything, let alone this trip. Although God has given me some small measure of it for now. All I need of it, anyways.
The second, peace, I have had all along. Peace not being an emotional feeling of ok-ness, but rather that all-surpassing sort of peace that is present by the power of the Holy Spirit, despite everything seeming to be in spiritual chaos in my life. I know, and knew even on the trip, (and what thankfully reminded on the trip,) that God has a plan and that everything is in his hands, working out in His perfect design, and is working out my good.
But I think I've digressed...
I do have a short summary of the trip that I'm pulling from an e-mail I wrote just a few minutes ago to a dear friend, whose father I met, crazily enough, while I was in Uganda. It was one of those things that just smacked me over the head with God's obvious grace to me on this trip, since I met him when I was feeling especially discouraged and talked to him, who had great wisdom and insight, about all the things I was going through. Anyways, here is the summarizing excerpt:
I pretty much had an emotional breakdown in front of everyone, including your dad, at one of our nightly meetings. Everyone was emotional that night, and many were wrestling with the same sort of issues that I was, and it all hit me at that moment and I pretty much had to be lead out of the room weeping.
My struggles concerned the nature of the way we were evangelizing. We didn't have relationships with the people we talked to (which would have been difficult since it was door-to-door,) and while I wasn't sure exactly how it should be done, having never really done it before, I was uncomfortable with how most of the people presented the gospel. It also bothered me that we, being the rich, white, westerners, came to a third world country, where the people literally have nothing, to share the gospel with all word and no deed. It seemed like a half-gospel, when the book of James calls for both word and deed. The fact that people listened to us simply because we were those white economic symbols of education and modernization, seemed like an issue we should have addressed. I'm not sure how we could have addressed it, but it felt like we encouraged an idealization of us by taking advantage of their listening to us but never addressing it. Plus, I'm not convinced that most of the people who "accepted" Christ didn't just do so because we were white, or because they are just a gracious people by nature who wanted us to be happy.
I was also dealing with some personal issues in regards to my own calling, faith, priorities, and pride.
But I don't at all regret the trip. I learned and grew so much, especially in light of what I went through. I knew these were questions I needed to be asking, and issues that needed to be brought out and faced in my life, especially given what I want to do with my life. And Dr. K is doing a lot of good things in Uganda, and it is exciting to see God moving there through his ministry and, even, through some of what the team did while we were there. Good friendships were formed, and I love Africa! It was exciting to be there and worship with and get to know our Ugandan brothers and sisters. I especially enjoyed the last week (enjoyed being a relative term,) because most of the team spent it living with one of the pastor's out in a village. We had no electricity, no plumbing, we were out in the middle of a village surrounded by African landscape, our walls in the house didn't go all the way up to the ceiling and so every conversation was heard throughout the house, and there were no doors, only transparent curtains, and many of us got sick. That week was an experience I am immensely grateful for.
It was definitely God's design that a few days later I wasn't feeling well and so stayed at the house one day. Besides Dr. K's house staff it was just your dad and me at the house, and so we ended up eating lunch together and talking, where we discovered the connection. When we ended up talking about my breakdown it was very edifying to hear his point of view of the situation and what I was going through.
I will most likely post more about the trip later on, but this is a start.
Those fruits, I suppose, were understanding and peace. The first I have not yet come fully to. Ok, so I never will in regards to anything, let alone this trip. Although God has given me some small measure of it for now. All I need of it, anyways.
The second, peace, I have had all along. Peace not being an emotional feeling of ok-ness, but rather that all-surpassing sort of peace that is present by the power of the Holy Spirit, despite everything seeming to be in spiritual chaos in my life. I know, and knew even on the trip, (and what thankfully reminded on the trip,) that God has a plan and that everything is in his hands, working out in His perfect design, and is working out my good.
But I think I've digressed...
I do have a short summary of the trip that I'm pulling from an e-mail I wrote just a few minutes ago to a dear friend, whose father I met, crazily enough, while I was in Uganda. It was one of those things that just smacked me over the head with God's obvious grace to me on this trip, since I met him when I was feeling especially discouraged and talked to him, who had great wisdom and insight, about all the things I was going through. Anyways, here is the summarizing excerpt:
I pretty much had an emotional breakdown in front of everyone, including your dad, at one of our nightly meetings. Everyone was emotional that night, and many were wrestling with the same sort of issues that I was, and it all hit me at that moment and I pretty much had to be lead out of the room weeping.
My struggles concerned the nature of the way we were evangelizing. We didn't have relationships with the people we talked to (which would have been difficult since it was door-to-door,) and while I wasn't sure exactly how it should be done, having never really done it before, I was uncomfortable with how most of the people presented the gospel. It also bothered me that we, being the rich, white, westerners, came to a third world country, where the people literally have nothing, to share the gospel with all word and no deed. It seemed like a half-gospel, when the book of James calls for both word and deed. The fact that people listened to us simply because we were those white economic symbols of education and modernization, seemed like an issue we should have addressed. I'm not sure how we could have addressed it, but it felt like we encouraged an idealization of us by taking advantage of their listening to us but never addressing it. Plus, I'm not convinced that most of the people who "accepted" Christ didn't just do so because we were white, or because they are just a gracious people by nature who wanted us to be happy.
I was also dealing with some personal issues in regards to my own calling, faith, priorities, and pride.
But I don't at all regret the trip. I learned and grew so much, especially in light of what I went through. I knew these were questions I needed to be asking, and issues that needed to be brought out and faced in my life, especially given what I want to do with my life. And Dr. K is doing a lot of good things in Uganda, and it is exciting to see God moving there through his ministry and, even, through some of what the team did while we were there. Good friendships were formed, and I love Africa! It was exciting to be there and worship with and get to know our Ugandan brothers and sisters. I especially enjoyed the last week (enjoyed being a relative term,) because most of the team spent it living with one of the pastor's out in a village. We had no electricity, no plumbing, we were out in the middle of a village surrounded by African landscape, our walls in the house didn't go all the way up to the ceiling and so every conversation was heard throughout the house, and there were no doors, only transparent curtains, and many of us got sick. That week was an experience I am immensely grateful for.
It was definitely God's design that a few days later I wasn't feeling well and so stayed at the house one day. Besides Dr. K's house staff it was just your dad and me at the house, and so we ended up eating lunch together and talking, where we discovered the connection. When we ended up talking about my breakdown it was very edifying to hear his point of view of the situation and what I was going through.
I will most likely post more about the trip later on, but this is a start.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Seven Swans
I'm listening to Sufjan Steven's Seven Swans album, which I recently acquired. It is a beautiful album, and I have heard that it is his most spiritual album. I'm excited about dissecting the album.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Rainy day
Today after work I went for a long walk in a steady, gentle rain. I walked out to the pond and took the boat that is always there, although I'm not sure if anyone actually owns it, and paddled to the middle of the pond in the rain. It was lovely. Very peaceful. Good prayer time. And I got to step knee deep in mud when getting out of the boat :-)
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
I think I am going to be abnormally introverted this summer (abnormal for me, anyways.)
I'm still trying to process my trip to Uganda this past month. I'm writing a lot more than I have in the past, a healthy habit born out of the trip. Journaling was probably one element that saved my sanity on the trip; that and some of the other people on the team. I'm also finding it a good outlet for expressing my post-trip thoughts and feelings, especially when there isn't anyone immediately around me who would necessarily understand those thoughts and feelings.
It was a bit of a shock for me to come back to the states, since I don't feel like I really had the chance to focus on reflecting on the trip. I haven't had the chance to go home, but came straight back to school where I'm working for the summer. Living on my own, feeding myself, working a full-time job. It's all kind of overwhelming. Plus I know life will just get crazier when school starts again, since I'm an orientation team leader for the incoming freshman class, possibly the discipleship coordinator of my hall, and will have a crazy year academically.
I'm just kind of overwhelmed right now, emotionally. I feel like I'm actually growing up. I wouldn't want to be anywhere than where I am right now, but it's a lot to take in. So I'm going to be doing a lot of thinking this summer. And praying. And fasting. And writing. And reading (on a lighter note, I am enjoying a good novel and some new music.)
I do plan on blogging about the trip more specifically, when I get my thoughts more organized.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Woah....
Can I breathe yet?
I don't think so. Not fully.
Sitting in my temporary living quarters in Mac, I'm eating a meal of pita bread and canned chicken. I leave for Africa on Thursday. We leave here on Wednesday and stay in Atlanta for the night. qahm/ Sorry, that was me dropping my fork on the keyboard. The campus is so empty, and I feel so alone.
Nothing is like what I thought it would be. Maybe I'm just more tired than I thought I would be...
The biggest surprise is that I actually wish I could go home for a while. I'm just not sure now if I'm ready for all of this. And so much has happened. And I'm so changed.
I'm not so much homesick, as I am just tired. I miss my parents. And things feel so unsteady right now, it would be nice to be in a place that feels more secure, just for a little while. Somehow it will all be OK.
I made these decisions with prayer, and believing it to be right, to be God's will for me. Knowing He would carry me through them. The decision to work here over the summer, to not go home. The decision to go to Africa for a month. The decision to come to Covenant. To major in Community Development. I knew it would be hard. and it is. But I still know that God is carry me just as always.
Maybe I would feel better had I not failed a class. Were I more financially able to pay for this school. Basically, had I not made so many mistakes. But I'm a sinner, and I'm going to stumble on this path, just so long as the path is the one God wants me on. The cross is powerful enough to cover all of my sins. And no matter what God gives and takes away from me, it's His will, and it's because He loves me.
God will give me rest.
I don't think so. Not fully.
Sitting in my temporary living quarters in Mac, I'm eating a meal of pita bread and canned chicken. I leave for Africa on Thursday. We leave here on Wednesday and stay in Atlanta for the night. qahm/ Sorry, that was me dropping my fork on the keyboard. The campus is so empty, and I feel so alone.
Nothing is like what I thought it would be. Maybe I'm just more tired than I thought I would be...
The biggest surprise is that I actually wish I could go home for a while. I'm just not sure now if I'm ready for all of this. And so much has happened. And I'm so changed.
I'm not so much homesick, as I am just tired. I miss my parents. And things feel so unsteady right now, it would be nice to be in a place that feels more secure, just for a little while. Somehow it will all be OK.
I made these decisions with prayer, and believing it to be right, to be God's will for me. Knowing He would carry me through them. The decision to work here over the summer, to not go home. The decision to go to Africa for a month. The decision to come to Covenant. To major in Community Development. I knew it would be hard. and it is. But I still know that God is carry me just as always.
Maybe I would feel better had I not failed a class. Were I more financially able to pay for this school. Basically, had I not made so many mistakes. But I'm a sinner, and I'm going to stumble on this path, just so long as the path is the one God wants me on. The cross is powerful enough to cover all of my sins. And no matter what God gives and takes away from me, it's His will, and it's because He loves me.
God will give me rest.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I'm so grateful for the fellowship of believers.
Today was not a great day, to say the least. I overslept for an exam that, until half-way through yesterday, I had thought was tomorrow. I was an hour late, had not studied, and I don't know how well I did. I also needed to get an 89% or better to pass the class.
Basically, everything else in life decided to catch up with me, since this morning's exam caused a huge breech in my emotional stability, and I've had about half a dozen break downs today. But every time I've broken down, or even explained my situation, it's been with loving brothers and sisters who have held me and prayed for me and let me break down. I think I've been prayed for and over more times today than in a long time. This kind of encouragement has really been defeating the initial discouragement of the morning.
Not to mention the amazing talks I have been having with so many people lately. I've never been so surrounded by so many people around whom I can make myself completely vulnerable, and who do the same. Being honest about the issues and struggles of our lives. It still isn't the most comfortable thing to do, to put yourself out to other people, and it is still something I have to struggle to make myself do. But it is always rewarding to open myself up to trusted fellow believers who are confirming of the fact that I am not alone, and I am not insane.
Today was not a great day, to say the least. I overslept for an exam that, until half-way through yesterday, I had thought was tomorrow. I was an hour late, had not studied, and I don't know how well I did. I also needed to get an 89% or better to pass the class.
Basically, everything else in life decided to catch up with me, since this morning's exam caused a huge breech in my emotional stability, and I've had about half a dozen break downs today. But every time I've broken down, or even explained my situation, it's been with loving brothers and sisters who have held me and prayed for me and let me break down. I think I've been prayed for and over more times today than in a long time. This kind of encouragement has really been defeating the initial discouragement of the morning.
Not to mention the amazing talks I have been having with so many people lately. I've never been so surrounded by so many people around whom I can make myself completely vulnerable, and who do the same. Being honest about the issues and struggles of our lives. It still isn't the most comfortable thing to do, to put yourself out to other people, and it is still something I have to struggle to make myself do. But it is always rewarding to open myself up to trusted fellow believers who are confirming of the fact that I am not alone, and I am not insane.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Can't focus...
Sarah and Jason sit across, sharing earphones.
Still on an Anberlin kick.
Taste of lemon ginger tea.
Sound of typing.
Mind is fuzzy with so many distractions.
Africa.
Work.
Summer.
Friends.
Future.
Family.
Money.
All the things needing to be done.
Can't do it.
Of course not.
But does grace extend to these little things?
Or is it only for big things, things that absolutely couldn't be but for grace?
Is grace willing to condescend to these little tasks like school and work and relationships?
I should know the answer.
Sarah and Jason sit across, sharing earphones.
Still on an Anberlin kick.
Taste of lemon ginger tea.
Sound of typing.
Mind is fuzzy with so many distractions.
Africa.
Work.
Summer.
Friends.
Future.
Family.
Money.
All the things needing to be done.
Can't do it.
Of course not.
But does grace extend to these little things?
Or is it only for big things, things that absolutely couldn't be but for grace?
Is grace willing to condescend to these little tasks like school and work and relationships?
I should know the answer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)